Saturday, October 11, 2008

HELL'S KITCHEN!













if Gordon Ramsay,
that ratbastard,
was to come into my kitchen,
there'd no doubt be a knife fight.
me and him.

we'd be squared off.
i'd be chopping, dicing, slicing and paring and he'd be criticizing and yelling about my prowess as a chef,
and about the state of my kitchen while i cook.
i'd be shaking and sweating.

i have to confess,
when i cook there's blood and snot all over the place,
there's pots, pans, trays, foil, peel, pulp and stems,
everywhere.
it's a mess.
i use every dish/plate/pot/pan that i possess.
gordon would be FREAKING.
the air would be blue.
he'd be in my face yelling at me and cursing me out for my habits and my techniques.
'What the EFF are you EFFING doing?"
he'd scream.
and i'd be reduced to a quivering mess of snotty tears.

but then.
Gordon would sit down and taste my pigs in blankets,
and my roasted squash,
and my roast potatoes,
and the steepy peas
and Kee's cheesy mash,
and the stuffing
(ok it's out of a packet, but He doesn't need to know that)

and he'd be like,
"Wow! this is EFFING awesome Clippy.
You rock.
You are the queen of the kitchen.
I'm giving you your own personal michelin star."

and i'd be like.
"you know what Gordon? "
"go and eff yourself."
"yeah, You. that's right."

and he'd be like BEGGING me for my turkey and stuffing recipe and guess what, i wouldn't even give it to him.
because sometimes he's really mean and it will do him good to taste his own medicine.
so Gordon.

"stuff it."
and i don't mean the turkey.
yeah.

14 comments:

Gina said...

oh man!! all that food sounds delish, i love love love pigs in a blanket!! I want to celebrate canadian thanksgiving!! hehe

Clippy Mat said...

gina:
we have leftovers.
get yourself over here.
hurry up.
before Gordon eats it all.
:-)

clinka said...

Wow... you are very passionate about this subject. Personally, I think GR's kinda hot...

jbxo

Attila The Mom said...

Hehehehehe! Gordon can be such a wanker. But he grows on you.

No piggies for him, though. Let him suffer!

Gill - That British Woman said...

A Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family........we're not having turkey this year, we had lasagna, just for a change and you know what it was good!!

Gill

Suz said...

Oh my, So I am not the only one that has entire conversations in my head????
Very funny!!!!!
I love the addition of your who's who family.....very cute. Maybe it was there before????
I can be very unobservant sometimes.

Wor Vron said...

Happy Thanksgiving!! Would love to see you telling Gordon to 'sling his hook'/ 'stitch that' -he's such an arrogant so and so!!

Anonymous said...

lol
o dear
you tell him

i dont like him, he swears too much and hes mean to ppl and makes them cry
if he calmed down a bit he'd be great
wish i had got some of that brilliant turkey, stuffing and pigs in a blanket . yum
jenn xx

Clippy Mat said...

clinka: i agree GR is 'hot' sometimes, but he's also horrible sometimes. especially when he pops around to my kitchen.

a.t.m. definitely no piggies for Gordon!
gill: nice to meet you and thanks for visiting. i love your profile pic.it's hilarious. where are you from? maybe i should ask you that on your blog?
suz:
you should hear the conversation i have (in my head) with nigella lawson, or martha stewart. hehe
and the who's who is new. so you are in fact VERY observant.

vron: next time G.R. pops in i'll give him the byker teacake.
jenn:
all the pigs in blankets you can eat at xmas pet.

Anonymous said...

He'd get a skewer right up his a*** and a right good Geordie stotting if he ever entered my kitchen I hate him!! But having worked extensively in the Service Industry I know that, sadly he is very much the norm for arrogant pratbastard Chefs (most of whom only 'shine' due to the efforts of a huge Kitchen Brigade behind them who actually do all the real work - and very few who can make anything without effin garlic in it (even in aCornish pasty) your nosh all sounds wonderful, would love to try it some day,pet.

Expat mum said...

I'm a bit thrown by there being a "wor Vron" commenting here, as that's what my mother's family have always called her. I think she's still clueless about blog land so it can't be her tho'.

Jenn said...

how do i become a fan of you ?
i cant see how to add you

Clippy Mat said...

expat mom:
'wor vron' is my sister. i mentioned her to you in my email which i think went to your website. re your brother?

helen: great minds think alike pet. a quick skewer up the kyber. LOL

Crazy Mo said...

You know, I simply can't watch his show. There's no other way to describe him other than he's a Big Ol' Meanie. And I can only imagine what he'd say to me if he saw me cooking! Maybe I'll make him some deep fried ravioli. Your dinner sounded lovely. Too bad we don't have Taste-o-Vision!