Tales from Clippy Mat

I'll take mine to go

2009-11-10T08:08:00.002-05:00

still reeling.
it's been 3 days but the shock is lingering.
i thought that the pain would have subsided a little but this morning as i sipped my first cup of coffee,
wham!
it came back like a bolt from the blue.
just when you think that it's over.
there it is again.
it was saturday night.
in niagara falls.
it was the festival of lights, the opening ceremony.
it was a warm and balmy evening, the people were out in droves and everyone was happy.
and no event is complete without a cup of coffee to hang on to.
i'm sure you would agree.
so that's when we went into here.

not somewhere that i would usually fraternize as i like my coffee just - with coffee.
and some cream.
just to take the blackness away that's all.
no maple, mint, mocca, chocolate, frothy foam, latte, frappe or otherwise.
just the coffee please.
i ordered 2 cups.
one for me.
one for oldest son.
he asked for a venti vanilla latte.
i said, 'what size?'
see, what do i know?

i ordered the tall thing on the picture above the counter.
i was confused.
and a little intimidated.
the name escapes me now.
the taste lingers.
warm, insipid, sickly and when you get to the bottom,
yuck!

12 bucks!
yep.
12 bucks!

for two cups of stuff that doesn't even resemble coffee.
i felt like i'd been ravaged.
and not even kissed first.
i get the bucks part.
i don't get the star part.

i don't know when recovery will kick in.
i don't know which is worse.
that they charge that.
or that i just gave them my money and didn't say a word.
?
i forgot to check to see if there was a prize in the cup.
surely that was what all that money was for.
and
we just threw them away.
shafted!

if only i could.....

2009-11-06T16:39:00.002-05:00

i offer my sincere apologies and a warning for the (very) bad language, the violence and the depiction of cannibalism at the end.
but, be honest, haven't you always wondered WHY somebody hasn't done this to gordon before now?
love it.
i fell off my seat laughing.
:-)

a rose by any other name

2009-11-05T07:19:00.002-05:00

when i was a kid i was known asTricia or Treesha.
but
being the awkward, attention seeking child i was, i wanted to be PAT.
never patty.
or patsy.
just,

pat!

how boring is that?

i can't believe i thought it was cool.

it was just that it was 'different'.

i have four brothers and everyone of us had a nickname growing up.
pud, deacon or stiss, buck which became huck, honk and mag.
guess which one was me?
?

HONK!

huh?

i hated that name.

i have no idea why i got it or where it came from.

does this sweet and innocent child look like HONK to you?

my parents didn't correct this horrible, hurtful habit in my brothers.

THEIR own names were mrs. pud and fath.
(our last name was rice so you can see a connection there?)

my 2nd oldest brother was the one responsible for nicknaming everyone in the family.
he randomly decided on the name you were given and was relentless in using it.
soon everyone else joined in.

everyone in the neighbourhood had their own nickname.
kids, adults, shopkeepers, teachers, friends and neighbours alike.
after a while no one knew anyone's real names.
if you said 'there goes Mr. Smith?'
the reaction was, "who?"
then
'oh right, you mean bandy andy.'
the next door neighbour had grown up during the depression and suffered rickets as a child i believe.

hence his nickname.

in our street sensitivity to others' feelings was a weakness.

tub, jake, neg, tardis, basher, bandy, dolphis are some of the ones that still come to mind. you'd have to ask deacon, whose real name was michael, what the relevance of most of those names were.

he assigned them according to some strange connection between the person and an inanimate object or character which was usually apparent only to him.

i remember one day a visitor to the street, a nicknameless outsider, asked, 'why do you all have such weird names?'
nobody knew why.
it just was.

i got so fed up with being called honk that i would scream.
and then, being boys, they just stopped calling me by any name at all.
i was just their sister and girls had little value then.
so to pat.
i wish i'd stayed as treesh, or tricia.
but i refused to answer to that anymore.
they should have called me contrary mary.

my parents, mrs pud and fath, continued to ignore my request for 'pat'.
to my mother i was patreesha.
the i sound was pronounced as an ee.
(that was our geordie accent).

my grandmother wasn't a geordie.
she called me 'pratisha'.

when i worked in the nursery school with the little kids i was known as miss pat.

one little guy trying to blurt out something exciting that had happened to him called me 'piss mat'.

my friend's husband, when he's not referring to me as 'clippy', which as you know is rhyming slang, i.e. clippy mat, pat, still likes to call me piss mat.

don't anybody tell him about Honk.

he'd have a field day

if you have a nickname, i'd love to hear it. :-)

a day for Owen

2009-10-25T08:31:00.001-04:00

you might think this is the pillsbury dough boy.

but it's not.

it's Owen.

Owie as we like to call him.

pronounced 'oh-wee'.

he's 6 months old

he's waited for his aunty jenn to come over from england so she can be his godmother and so today is his christening.

now this is sort of a before picture.

he got the christening outfit a couple of months ago and this was him trying it on for size.

he's a big lad so we werent sure it would still fit him now.

but it does.

he just grew into it a bit more.

and we shall have several very cute pictures of him today wearing it.

we think he's just about got his first tooth.

and he smiles the whole time.

really.

what a little angel.

:-)

the twilight zone

2009-10-24T05:29:00.000-04:00

it's 5.15 a.m. and i've been up for half an hour.
but i've just taken some powerful ( i hope) pain killers so my time on here will be short.
thursday i was in the dentist's chair for 2 hours while he re-did a root canal, that i'm pretty sure he's redone before.
i think he gave me seventeen needles to numb my mouth.
i think they just wore off at 4.30 this a.m.
either that or somebody, or a horse, or a mule, kicked me in the side of the head as i slept.
i woke up in sudden and startling pain.
my face is swollen.
okay, i'm just looking for sympathy and you are probably asleep and can't give me any.
i've been reading your blogs while i wait for the drugs to kick in.
i think they've started.
my toes are a bit numb.
how long will it take for them to get to my head?
before they get there i just wanted to mention that jenny, my lovely daughter, is home from england.
she's my canadian child.
the only one born here.
the other two were born in england.
they both live here.
she lives in england.
it's a funny world isn't it?
she's here for a 2 week visit.
i'm sure it will go by in the blink of an eye.
surely, not that fast?
but it always does.
time goes by really fast when you are geting older.
except.
when you are waiting for pain pills to kick in and do their stuff.
oooh my legs are feeling all floaty.
we're getting there.
and my fingers are missing all of the keys on the keyboard.
might be time to go back to bed.
before my head goes numb.
i was googling images for dentists but i just can't seem to upload them.
then i thought i'd insert a pic of jenny but can't do that either.
strange.
what on earth am i doing up at 5.23 for gawds' sake?
back to bed.
:-)

what i do on my days off

2009-10-21T07:26:00.001-04:00

Life is full. i thought I would share. me and mr clippy have several hobbies which i thought you might want to know about. it's how we stay young, you know?

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my daughter in law KEE is on mat. leave and where she finds the time to do these jib jabs i don't know. but they crack me up.

Let's go Blue Jays. Dancin' Style

2009-10-17T08:34:00.001-04:00

speaking of grandchildren.
this is our second oldest granchild.
he's 3.
i don't know where he gets his technique from.
i didn't even know he had those moves.
or any moves in particular.
as i said, he's 3!
we went to a baseball game a few weeks ago and as we were leaving we saw this guy who plays drums outside.
little grandson started this impromptu dance which just cracked us up.

every time I watch this video I just feel happy.
what a kid.
i hope he always dances like there's no one watching.

the boy detective solves the case.

2009-10-14T19:55:00.005-04:00

so my oldest grandson who is 4, going on 44, is in training for chief inspectorship of scotland yard in the forseeable future.
his mother gave me some used baby items which i intend giving to a friend of mine for her first grandchild.

little grandson, aka sherlock shortypants, spotted one of the items sticking out of the corner of a bag in my kitchen.
he tugged it out and whirled around to face me.

'NANNY! what is THIS?' he demanded.
he could also make a good career as a store detective because i swear i felt as tho' i'd just been caught red handed shoving stolen goods down my pants.
the item in question is one of these
i tried to explain why i had it.

'this is MINE' he asserted. looking at me witheringly as only a 4 year old can.
unspoken: 'how could you stoop so low as to steal from your own grandson'.
i explained that now that he's a big boy he doesn't use it anymore.
in fact, i told him, it's for babies.
slightly negative emphasis on the word babies to illustrate their insignificance compared to his superior big boy status.

'WHO are you giving it to?' he wanted to know.
i told him.
judy, the lady i work with.
judy is also the name of his other grandmother with whom he had just spent the previous day.
duh. too late.
it was so obvious i was just making THAT up.
two judy's.
as if.

'WHY are you giving it to her?' the interrogation continued.
i explained that she's got a new grandchild and she might have a use for it.
'how old is she's grandchild?' he further demanded.
(we shall forgive the young detective here for confusing his personal pronouns.)
the line of questioning continued as he held the article, which perhaps should now be referred to as exhibit A, aloft, in front of my face.

'what is the baby? a boy or a girl?'
trick question. intended to catch me on the hop.
good job i knew that one.
'boy' i replied confidently.
he raised an eyebrow and gestured the item towards me once more.
'why does judy have a boy for a grandchild?"
this one could've been difficult but i made a stab at an answer.
which didn't appear to satisfy.

'does judy know where to put this in the car?' he continued, picking up the pace of questioning now, perhaps to catch me offguard and force me into breaking down and admitting my duplicity.
i reassured him that if she didn't then i would be able to tell her because i know all about toys having four grandchildren of my own.
he remained sceptical.
'it's NOT a toy.'
he was right.
i squirmed.
'it's a thing.' he corrected.

'you don't look in it like THIS' he scoffed at me as he held it in front of his face and grimaced by way of demonstration.

'you put it in yours car on the SEAT and you look through your mirror at the BABY, not YOUR face.'

i told him i was aware of how it worked.
he looked doubtful.

'i like this.' he told me. 'i had it when i was borned. i miss it.'
"well yes," i went on with my rebuttal "but you no longer need it and somebody else could use it now."
'i wanted to keep it.' he said.
unspoken: what a theiveing underhanded nanny i truly am.
there may have been a bead or two of sweat on my top lip at this point.

his little sister, aged 2, previously engrossed in playdoughing the soles of her shoes, came over to see what was going down.
like a skilled partner in the good cop/bad cop scenario, looking from the culprit to the righteous she summed up the situation at once and jumped right in.
"Mine!' she yelled.
'NO!' sherlock proclaimed firmly, putting a swift end to her participation.

'you shouldn't take it nanny.'
he reprimanded me slowly with an almost sad shake of the head.
caught red handed.
obviously due to family connections he was going easy on me.
he was more disappointed in me than anything else.

'i didn't. your mommy gave it to me.' i tried to justify.
to wriggle out of it.
two eyebrows up.
then, eyes narrowed, he weighed me up.
no words necessary.
unspoken.
how could you possibly lie about such a thing nanny?
as if his own mother would EVER give away so carelessley such a precious posession of his.
the jig was up.
i'd been found out.
i'd obviously sneaked into his house under the cover of darkness and removed it as he slept.

'never mind' i said thinking i'd defuse the situation by distracting him with the offer of a cookie. 'just take it home if you want it.'

a pause.

'no that's okay. you can have it.' sherlock said, knowing he'd won and i was beaten.
it was quickly cast aside as he chomped on a cookie.
' i don't want it any more.'
and he didn't.

'poo-poo head' said his little sister.

she's going to be a politician.
;-)

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-10-11T15:04:00.003-04:00

Yes, we crazy Canadians have to be different.
We have Thanksgiving in October instead of November as they do in the U.S.
Not sure why?
In England we had Harvest Festival.
I think that was sort of giving thanks for the bountiful harvest.

Anyway today or tomorrow, in Canada, we will sit down and eat, drink and be merry.

And give thanks.

So, in no particular order of importance, and with many omissions, here's my list.

I'm thankful for my other half. 38 years and counting. We met when we were teenagers and we are still together and growing old together. Go figure.
I'm thankful for all the mistakes I've made because they've each taught me a lesson.
I'm thankful that I know that all things will pass, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
I'm thankful for the people in my family because they love me unconditionally: Go figure.
I'm thankful for the people in my life who are no longer here. I have the memory of their lives to recall, their example of right and wrong to inspire me and to learn from. They are never forgotten. I learn from what they left behind.
I'm thankful that God put me where He did. He found the right place here on earth for me.
I'm thankful for my kids. Somewhere I did something right to be given such a blessing.
I'm thankful for their partners. My amazing daughters in law and my daughter's lovely boyfriend. All amazing people. Each one with truly a kind heart and a generous soul.
I'm thankful that Jenn will be able to come home to spend time with us in just another 10 days.
I'm thankful for my grandchildren. The joy they bring is immeasurable.
I'm thankful for my friends, many who've been around for a lifetime.
I'm thankful that I am not wealthy because I am rich.
I'm thankful for good health.
I'm thankful for people who give me a break.
I'm thankful for second chances, for fresh starts and for being able to wipe the slate clean.
I'm thankful for forgiveness. Both for being able to give and for being allowed to receive.
I'm thankful for the hardships in my life because they made me stronger. They taught me what is important.
I'm thankful that this Monday Ian gets his own big bowl of trifle and his own family is back together again.
I'm thankful for Great Nanny Noo Noo. She's more like a mother to me than a Mother in Law.
I'm thankful for my four brothers and my little sister. We know we have each other.

and now, in the words of some very wise poet or other

I offer you my Thanksgiving blessing:

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey be plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Have never a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your THIGHS

SO LET'S EAT!

i haven’t posted!

2009-10-09T09:59:00.000-04:00

because i’ve been working.
i know, it’s only 4 days a week but it takes a while to get back into the swing of things.
i’ve even been going in early! but we, that’s my co-worker and i, have decided that we are NOT going to stay late any more. we are supposed to finish at 3. (cos that's what we get paid to do.) but many times we get swamped and look at the clock and it’s 4.30. THAT's not going to happen again. we only went in early for the first week to get set up. and now we are going to return to our slovenly ways of getting there 5 mins before the students. well actually they are 'keeners' and are usually waiting at the door to GET IN! imagine.
so let me rephrase that. we will return to getting there 5 mins before classes start.

and now we’ve decided to give ourselves a whole morning once a week to devote to paperwork. so that we never become overwhelmed again and have to stay late. we will take turns in taking both classes for the morning and the other person will do the paperwork and return the phone calls and keep us organized.
what a great system!
foolproof.
i’m sure it will last for oh, 5 mins.
(update: I wrote this a few weeks ago. we are now into week 4 or 5 and we are still arriving early and staying late AND the paperwork morning has become a paperwork DAY! och, the best laid plans o' mice and men....)

last term we had a really interesting young fella whom i will name ‘BJ’ because i shouldn’t use his real name. that would be wrong. or illegal, or something.
last term when BJ, who is 21, started with us he told me he was delighted to have an ‘English’ (as in FROM england) teacher because he is a total anglophile.
his parents are english, his grandparents are english and even tho’ he was born here in canada he has a perfect southern english accent. which kinda tickled me.
he loved english this, he adored english that and his life's ambition was to live there! to go to the soccer game on a saturday, the pub for a pint afterwards, fish and chips on the way home and roast beef dinners on a sunday. (the englishman's dream).

well this year he hasn’t returned my phone messages re his start date or acknowledged our letter re the same. so i phoned his guardian, his grandfather, who has the EXACT same voice, dialect as BJ. we chatted about being english, as you do, and i said i was fascinated by the fact that BJ, having been born in canada, had a perfect english accent. ‘yeah’ his grandfather said. ‘he can do that’.
so the other day there’s a message on the machine from someone. i can’t place who it is. he’s apologising for not returning calls or acknowledging our letter but assures me he wants to return to the fold next week.
huh? i go thru a mental list of who’s who. and then conclude. “it’s BJ!” sans english accent. he’s totally canadian now. not even a trace of ‘ow’s yer father missus' or 'ooer dear here’s me hat ‘n coat.’ very strange.
it’s going to be an interesting year.

update: (BJ's back and so is the english accent luv. 'ow are ye?' fascinating.)

A sad anniversary

2009-09-11T07:27:00.001-04:00

Never forgotten

SCARY toys

2009-08-29T23:47:00.001-04:00

oh look at this sweet little innocent toy.
isn't it cute?
so friendly.
my grandkids love it.
a lot.
it's a little c.d. player.
not real c.d's tho'.
just those little plastic ones that play kiddy sing along songs.
incessantly.
the front controls flash on and off in time to the music.
like a little disco boom box.
awww, how cute.
even if you don't insert one of the little c.d's it plays a selection of tune snippets.
they love to stick that little microphone right into their mouths and sing along.
last night after three of them had taken turns in playing with it, and sharing their respective germs, i thought i'd be a good nanny and disinfect it and some other toys.
i left it to air dry overnight and then returned it and the other toys to the shelf in the playroom this morning.
after breakfast as we sat in the family room, me and jbug and noo noo, just chilling out and playing with some quiet toys, i heard a noise coming from the playroom next door.
the playroom was in darkness.
i knew what it was straight away so i went in and pressed the STOP button.
and at first it stopped.
but
it just kept starting up again.
and again.
over and OVER!
and it seemed to be all mixed up and slightly 'possessed'.
i would go into the room and press the STOP button.
but as soon as i'd leave the room, guess what?
it would START.
and then stop and get all its little tunes mixed up.
i couldn't remove the batteries 'cos i didn't have the right kind of tiny little screwdriver to remove the battery compartment.
i did think about just throwing it against the wall but i didn't want to traumatise little jbug and noo noo who were quite engrossed in treehouse TV and thankfully hadn't noticed the whole thing.
it was becoming unreal.
i didn't think anyone would believe me.
so i snuck in there in the dark with the camera to show you what i saw.
oh my good god in heaven.
somebody make it stop.

im not going!

2009-08-26T23:23:00.006-04:00

soon.
i have to return to work.
work!
as in job.
as in daily grind.
as in 9 to 5.
5 days a week
okay well 9 to 3.
4 days a week.
but still!
life is not fair.
i really, really do not want to return to work.
after being off all summer i cant bear to think about it.

when i was 5 they made me start school.
i didn't want to go.
but they didnt care.
they made me go.
and on the first day there the kindly old teacher picked me up to ~~distract~~ soothe me whilst my mother made her escape, no doubt kicking up her heels as she abandoned me without a care to a strange and unknown world.
when i realized what was happening i screamed.
LOUDLY!
then i slapped that kindly old teacher so hard across her face that i knocked her glasses right off the end of her nose.
causing her to swiftly drop me on my arse.

you can see how such a traumatic childhood experience has damaged me.
returning to school will just make me relive that whole awful incident.
over and over.
and im sure my boss will understand when i tell her i am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder now that ive recovered that long supressed painful memory.

im sure they will understand.
these things take time.

onions

2009-08-24T21:52:00.006-04:00

sometimes.
just sometimes i get a little frustrated with my other half.
sometimes i feel a little confused.
tonight.
we were watching tv.
apropos of nothing really he says.
"those onions in the laundry room are rotten."
"?"
"they're all bad." he goes on.
"they smell." he elaborates.
"they've all gone off." he says warming to the topic.
"off?"
"oh yeah, they really stink."

"ugh really?"
the penny dropped.
"i wondered what that god awful smell was. i've noticed that for a couple of days now. is that what it was?"

"yeah. bad onions."

"i kept thinking it was the cat litter. i cleaned that litter box like a madwoman."

"hmmm" he's watching the news.

the onions were in a basket on top of the fridge and i tried to recall how long they'd been there and how i could have forgotten about them.

"they are all soft and they smell like pee." he told me as the news went to a break.

"ugh" i felt queasy at the thought of the congealed smelly mess that must have been in the bottom of that basket.
"yeuch."
"now it means the organics bin is going to REALLY stink by thursday when the garbage gets picked up." i say.

i think about this for a minute as we watch the commercials.
and then another penny drops.

'you threw them out didn't you?'

?????

'no.'

"what? why not? i mean why wouldn't you throw them out? they're soft, they stink like pee and they're rotten."

'i dunno. i thought you wanted them.'

coffee!

2009-08-20T15:37:00.005-04:00

well i hate to post and be totally negative especially when i've been neglectful recently but after all isn't that the point of a blog?
to vent?
well go on just have a seat.
humour me.
i knew this morning it would not be a good day.
i knew it as soon as i got up.
i had to go to the lab for blood work.
fasting blood work.
which means nil by mouth until blood is removed.
which means no coffee.
which means me in a grumpy mood.
not waking up to a cup of coffee is just plain wrong.
it's like trying to start your car without engine oil isn't it?
anyway when i get to the lab i find it's moved.
only two doors down but still.
then i go into the building and can't locate the lab.
there are doctors' offices with reception windows, all closed as yet at this early hour.
i look around and then i see someone coming out of an office so i ask 'where's the lab please?'
i'm in the middle of an area which branches off in several directions.
"behind you." she says. without pointing in any direction. "see the sign?"
duh no.
because if i did why would i ask YOU?
SHE on the other hand is holding HER coffee cup.
i look at her, look at her cup and then i turn around.
so i follow the arrow and enter the lab.
there's a man in a white coat (oh yeah) in there taking blood from a woman and i realize it's only one room so i have to go back out to the waiting room but not before i see that he has given me the look.
you know, THE LOOK.
the one that says "don't you know you shouldn't come in here until i call your name? you dummy."
THAT look.
so i go back to the waiting room.
in a few minutes the other patient leaves and then the man in the white coat comes out and asks me "are you clippy mat?"
i'm the only one in the waiting room.
i have an appointment at 8.30.
it's 8.30.
but i say yes and i go in and he already has my requisition on his desk.
telling him why i'm there.
so i put my health card away in my wallet.
close my wallet and then put it in my handbag.
put my handbag on the other chair.
ready my arm for his needle after he has perused the requisition and THEN he says,
"i need your health card." sounding just a tad snippy if you ask me.
"i just put it away." i said.
he knew i'd done that. he watched me.
oh i thought, we're playing games.
okay
so then he ties the tourniquet.
very, very tight.
i am used to tourniquets.
i have blood work done (in another lab) every month.
the tourniquet is NEVER that tight.
after about 10 seconds of pain i say,
"that is way too tight."
he loosens it a fraction without acknowledging my comment OR my pain.

there is a long uncomfortable silence while he withdraws about 7 vials of blood from my arm.
because just before he did that he said, somewhat absently "just a small prick."
WELL!
what would you have said?
"YEP!" i replied.
and looked him right in the eye.
oh yeah.
he KNEW.
and I KNEW HE KNEW
and HE KNEW I KNEW HE KNEW
then i went for coffee.
;-)

oh, just make up your own title...

2009-07-31T16:24:00.004-04:00

Hello followers:
my little square picture friends over there.
yes, you.
how are you all doing?
are you all okay?
all 34 of you?
where did you come from i wonder?
did you just happen by and decide to hang out for a while longer?
was it something i said?
or did?
or wrote?
did i come to your blog and visit you and you thought you'd pop over here and repay the compliment?
how kind.

what can i do to keep you?
?

tired of waiting for me to write something that you can actually follow?
bored?
thinking of un-following?

what can i say to make you feel better?
can i write something fun and entertaining to keep you motivated -- to ensure you stay over there on my right, your little photo suspended hopefully in mid-air, willing me on to write something that you might even be remotely interested in reading?

dear, dear follower, if only i could, then believe me, i would.

i look over at your little faces, or emblems, in your little square frames and i feel so proud.
so glad that you decided to follow me.
so happy that you are there every time i sadly click on my blog in the feint hope that my last post will not still be staring back at me, mockingly, taunting me to come up with something else.

but then.
i feel this sort of;
PRESSURE!
this
anxiety about non-performance.
just as i imagine an impotent man might feel.
but who knows?
(who cares?)

so i sit here, fingers poised over my keyboard and i type a few lines.
then i backspace 'em out.
then i look in my folders for a picture to inspire and upload which might enhance my powers of production.
sigh
after a while i stretch my arms overhead.
i stand up and look over at the telly in the corner.
eastenders is playing.
how un-inspirational is that dear followers?
so.
i make myself a coffee.
i pet the dog and shuffle the little pile of papers on top of my desk.
and then as i stare at the desk before me i actually see it as it is.
so,
i take a wet cloth, rinsed in a little bit of warm soapy water and disinfectant and i wipe off my mouse and my keyboard.
the white top of my desk.
which reminds me of a pristine piece of paper waiting for the pen.
cleanliness always inspires me.
sigh
but, sadly, not this time.

so dear followers.
i will just go back to YOUR blog(s).
and read what YOU have to say.
it's easier that way.
and i will add MY picture to your little gallery as good friends do.
and i will smile at what you have written.
and try not to be sad that i couldn't come up with something as equally entertaining.

today anyway.
maybe tomorrow?
?
we can hope.
bye for now little friendly followers.
you mean so much to me.
;-)
p.s. i tried to copy and paste your little pictures into this post but alas i could not manage it!
so
i leave you with a picture which i swiped from another website only this morning and which made me laugh and i hope that when you look at it too dear follower(s) you will also smile.

p.p.s. yes, yes, i realize the picture has nothing whatsoever to do with the subject matter of this post, but a post without a picture of some sort is not even a post about not posting is it?

The Emperor's New Clothes

2009-07-23T21:16:00.008-04:00

calling Stacey and Clinton

or maybe
Trinny and Susannah

i need a new dress.
but not just ANY dress.
what i need, dear friends, is a magic dress.
i'm going to a wedding.
soon.
sooner than i thought.
and i really meant to lose weight.
i thought about it an awful lot.
but
well you know how it is.
don't you?

what i need is;
a dress that will instantly slim me and make me look ten years younger.

it should be made of a non clingy, yet sensuous and flattering fabric that doesn't ride, wrinkle or seat.
which fits where it touches and accentuates the positive and minimizes the er, less than positive.

which makes people say, 'wow, clippy's looking good these days." without even realizing it's the dress that's doing it.

which says size 16 on the label but makes me look, and feel, like a size 10.
oh OK 12 then.
i AM willing to compromise.

it should be of a hue which flatters my skin tones
whilst enhancing only my finer points. which are...
oh well, never mind.

this dress should be one of a kind,
one that most people would die to have but will never own.
(so far this list of 'must haves' are making sure that it's pretty well exclusive, i know.)

it should look fab on me but, and most of all, it should not cost a great deal.
though,
having said that,
if i COULD find a dress that fits all or most of the above, then i might just be tempted to sell my first born to pay for it.
(i'm sure he would understand.)
after all i do need to look good on the day.
as opposed to looking like a middle aged woman who needs to lose a lot of weight and is wearing a dress which makes her look like a sack of tatties, tied in the middle.

IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK?
oh sorry,
was i shouting?

please, don't mind me.
it's just that i've been looking for a while now and every dress that i've seen is tiny, short, sleeveless, backless and clingy.
and made for kate moss's little sister.
WHAT'S WITH THAT?
HUH??
oops sorry, shouting again.

but really.
is a short sleeve too much to ask?
something that hides the bingo wings.
with a waistline that doesn't define the last carb binge i went on.
WELL IS IT?
is a hemline that comes just at mid-calf, thus concealing cellulite and fat knees, TOO MUCH TO ASK?
WELL?
I'M ASKING?

isn't it time my fairy godmother showed up with her magic wand?
right about now.
Stacey?
Clinton?
Trinny?
Susannah?
anyone?

oh pass the gravy.

and if the dress doesn't turn up well then let's hope the event turns out something like this one, which i just lifted from smileygirl's blog. if so, no-one will care what ANYONE is wearing. i love it.

things that go bump in the night

2009-07-15T13:08:00.015-04:00

m.o.h. works 2 weeks of midnight shift every four weeks.
he's gone ALL night, leaving moi as home aloned as Macauley Kulkin.

before he leaves i have him check all of the doors and windows, bolt the backyard gate, pull up the drawbridge and fill the moat with piranhas.
well almost.

just before i say goodnight and carefully lock the door behind him, i make sure to say in a loud, somewhat cheery voice, feigning bravado, whilst looking out onto a dark, eerily quiet street "oh and get some milk too."

?? you ask.

this of course is a tactic for the benefit of would be axe murderers and thieves lying in wait in the gloom of the bushes to kidnap, rob and/or murder me the minute m.o.h's back is turned.

i throw out this casual comment so lurking criminals will move on to the next house and leave me in peace, because obviously m.o.h.'s coming back any minute; just popped to the shop for a bag of milk is all.

then when i go to bed i take a telephone with me, for calling 911 of course.
and my cell phone comes too, so must make sure that's fully charged - in case an intruder should enter and cut the phone cord just like they do in the movies.
(i don't even watch these movies i'm so scared but i still know the plots)

i have a flashlight in the top drawer at my bedside in case of power cuts or an evil doer who decides to cut the power so he can do away with me.
(i don't quite know how he will murder me in the dark unless he asks me to hold my flashlight for him, but perhaps he could be wearing one of those headlight things? who knows how the criminal mind works?)

i take the keys to whichever vehicle m.o.h. is not travelling to work in, and on the nights when he car pools, i take both sets of keys.
these go under my pillow.
IF an intruder should be heard to be entering the hallowed halls of clippymat towers, once he's scaled the walls and the drawbridge and man-eating fish filled moat that is, then i will activate both key fobs which have those annoying panic button things on them.
thus alerting the neighbourhood to my plight. whereupon they will come at once and loudly to my rescue bearing flaming torches and even pitchforks (?) as they catch the murdering/looting/thieving bastard red handed before he defiles me and makes off with the family jewels!
(i may have unknowningly absorbed the odd horror movie plot. details of which are now half recalled in my befuddled and anxious state)

i know the key fob alarms work because sometimes i fumble sleepily under the pillow to make sure they are still there and accidentally activate them causing me to scream and jump out of my skin for a second before i regain presence of mind and silence them.
this has happened a couple of times, maybe around 3 a.m.

true that it might annoy the neighbours, i can see that, but it could just as easily deter that burglar/intruder/mad axe man who is now on his way back from looting and pillaging further down the street and has noticed that m.o.h. has not yet returned with the milk.

but NOW
things have changed somewhat.
i rest much easier in my bedchamber.
last night i burrowed beneath the blankets and slept like a baby.
still took the phones, keys etc of course but
now i have my bodyguard.
Bella the barker.
she barks on approach of strangers.
if she doesn't scare them off she'll annoy the hell out of them and they will most likely run off down the street hands over ears, begging for someone to 'make it stop!'
it's that earsplittingly annoying when she starts. the little sweetheart.
this little poodle is more reassuring to me than a rottweiler-pit bull who hasn't smelled meat for a fortnight.

bless her cotton socks.
all five pounds of her.

isn't she scary?

and something else

2009-07-14T07:31:00.005-04:00

This is Bella.
she's something else that is new in our lives since I last blogged.
she's a poodle that belonged to my son and his wife until they had their new baby, owen.
they already had ben, who was 2, and another dog called sydney who is a mighty yorkshire terrier.
2 dogs and a 2 year old and a new baby was maybe going to be a bit much.
so because we've dog sat bella many times before we offered to take her on, on the condition that they would take her back for visits whenever we had to travel.
so far this is working well.
bella has already had two return visits to her former home since april.
we only live down the street from each other so everyone can see bella as often as they like.
believe me, they haven't really had time to miss her!

bella is a lady with a few, shall we say, bad habits which are most likely due to her breed more than anything else.
she barks.
a lot.
i go out and when i return she goes absolutely apesh*t.
like we've been parted for a lifetime.
i'm trying to ignore her and praise her when she stops.
it's hard though but i will persevere.

she barks at people with the audacity to walk past our house.
she barks at people who are minding their own business in their own yards and just happen to walk near to a boundary fence.
some barking i don't mind.
after all, a dog's a dog right?
they're supposed to bark when 'danger' approaches, when their territory is breeched.
so most of the time a quick low growl, from me, (an attractive skill i've mastered) is enough to stop her.
but she barks at everyone who comes to visit too.
and this is not popular with ALL of my visitors.
but we're working on that too.

however she is excessively cute so i can forgive her anything.
she is like my shadow.
whenever i look for her and i can't see her it's because she's down here attached to my ankle and as i turn she turns, so there am i looking all over the place for her, everywhere except down at my feet.
so i turn in circles at the same time as she does, until i remember to look down.
i think i could develop it into some kind of circus act.

she is almost like an extension of my body now.
no matter where i go, up or down the stairs she follows.
i go half way up and remember something and turn around and 'hoop la' she turns with me and bounds up and down again.
apparently she doesn't do 'relax' as long as i'm on the move.
right now she's lying on the nearby couch.
she looks the picture of perfect relaxation...
but if i make a move from this computer, she'll be off that couch and at my feet before i'm upright.

okay, here we go, off for walkies.

how can you miss me if i won't go away?

2009-07-13T07:57:00.008-04:00

last night as i drifted off to sleep the perfect blog post came to me.
it was the one where i was able to pick up again here where i'd left off a few months ago and where i easily explained my absence with a great post title.
it was somewhat witty and made me realize that it wasn't, after all, as hard a thing to do as i'd thought it might be. i had been wondering how to start up again after all this time.
of course when i woke up this morning i couldn't remember any of it!
so without further ado i'll just blog anyway.
it's that simple really isn't it?

i think i last blogged in april and then left ESTHER hanging in there as my last entry.
she did a great job of keeping the odd reader entertained. thanks Esther.

since then well where was i?

we have a new grandson, Owen.
that brings the number to 4 (so far) and each one of them has taken a new piece of my heart. :-))

my dad passed away in may, on my sister's birthday.
he was 87.
he was old and frail and ready to go to the next destination; he firmly believed that he was going to a better place and that was an inspiring thing to witness and be a part of.
i got to be with him and the rest of my family.
i was able to travel to england twice in the space of a few weeks and spend time with him and my family.
a truly memorable experience.
i was able to give a eulogy for him and say some things from my heart which i hope also spoke from the hearts of my brothers and sister and our families too.
R.I.P. dad.

i visited with my youngest jenn, who now lives in england.
my other half and i spent some quality time together in england for the first time in years. i usually go back there alone because i was the one with parents who couldn't travel and his mother comes to visit us every year.
(now between us we have one parent left).
we stayed with his mum for a week and she was so overjoyed to have her son staying.
she wanted to spoil him of course (and me too)
great memories.

what else happened since i've been gone?
i'm sure there's so much that i will miss so i won't try to document it all here.

so i'll just show pics of two of the things that have been going on and tell you that i'm happy to be back and thanks to those who have asked after my whereabouts.

Owen Trevor and his big brother Ben who just turned 3!!

with my four brothers and my sister at dad's funeral.

expats and all that

2009-04-17T16:42:00.005-04:00

have you met Esther?
esther schultz as it were.
well if you haven't then you should.

i'm not even sure for the moment how i came across her now.....?
you know how these things happen as we troll around blogland.
but
apart from the fact that she completely intimidates me with her talent and artistry she seems like a pretty nice girl.
plus she's an expat.
in hollywood.
she's one of those multi-talented people.
you know the type.
as in the complete opposite of moi.
but i'm not jealous.
much.

so, are you still here?
go over there right now and check out her blog.

(but wait a while before you come back here and check on me because her blog is so good that i don't think i want to be compared.)
here check this one out first.

this one killed me.

her photography is just beautiful isn't it?
i didn't tell her i was going to mention her but i will let her know.
i just realized that i wanted to 'share' her with you.

enjoy.
:-)

signs you (not me) are getting older

2009-04-16T18:32:00.015-04:00

driving to work this a.m. and as i turned onto the on-ramp of the highway there was a bank of police cars at the side of the road.
standing outside the police cars were some police officers.
i swear none of them were over the age of 12!!
they looked like this motley crew here.
honestly.

this is NOT the face of law and order as far as i am concerned.
when i'm in trouble i want to see someone who looks more like......
..........

this.

solid, reliable and a LOT older than me.
the youthful police officers were pulling people over who weren't wearing seat belts.
now of course i am a law abiding, rule obeying, upstanding citizen and well respected member of my community.

so, naturally i was wearing MY belt,
was NOT speaking on my cell phone,
OR
drinking coffee,
OR
eating bagels,
whilst
applying make-up and
blasting the radio and screaming at the top of my lungs.
was not
smoking.
or even
drinking alcohol.

but as i slowed down to pass those non law abiding citizens who were ordered to stop, i noticed that one of those baby cops looked me over with almost a sneer, an expression of ... how shall i put it?
well it was just pure bloody cheek actually.
insolent young pup.
the nerve.
kids today!

Yadda yadda yadda

2009-04-15T20:05:00.012-04:00

steve o went home on dancing with the stars.

didn't he always look like he was wearing the wrong teeth?

american idol was the worst episode ever tues night.
quentin tarantino?
huh?
actually first off, before i heard him speak i thought it was kd lang.

you be the judge.

no?

maybe this one then?

i'd much rather have seen adam do the number that chris did from the ONCE soundtrack
he could have made such a good job of that!
'born to be wild'?
er no thanks.

my 4 year old grandson is a lady gaga fan.
he does a mean 'poker face'.
last night he told me he wanted to 'rock out with lady gaga' when i wanted to play some music.
unfortunately i didn't have that particular selection.

so i offered to play him my cd of 'the black dyke band'.
the world's best brass band!
eeh by gum!
they do a mean cover of 'my grandfather's clock'.

he was quite happy with the switch.
such an eclectic taste in music for one so young that lad.

then later i saw a music video of said miss gaga on much music.
and i have to tell you.
that "lady" ain't no lady!

yikes!

sometimes i get homesick!

2009-04-12T12:09:00.009-04:00

UPDATE had to remove that video of Susan singing. every copy on youtube is disabled for whatever reason. it was OK when i first put it on here.
but do yourself a favour and check it out here. sorry about that.
***********************

I couldn't resist these.
They made me laugh AND cry!

Hope you enjoy. Happy Easter!

Susan is singing "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables. In the intro, which is not shown here, she says she is '47, single, unemployed and never been kissed'.

The censors added the Union Jack flags after a wardrobe malfunction I believe, when one of Fabia's nipple shields fell off. LOL I wonder how THAT happened?

and THIS is what everyone saw!!

back in the day...

2009-04-09T07:52:00.003-04:00

somebody sent me this link in an email.
i'm not old enough to remember the original movies but i grew up watching them on telly.
they just make me feel so good inside.
hope you like.