Tuesday, December 2, 2008

It's beginning to look a lot like ..... fill in the blanks














Christmas is coming,
the goose is getting fat,
please put a penny in the old man's hat.
If you haven't got a penny, a halfpenny will do,
if you haven't got a halfpenny,
God Bless you.


ah childhood memories.
the good old days.
we used to sing that song every year at Christmas.
have no idea why, because we never had a goose,
and the old man didn't have a hat either come to think of it.

37 years of marriage and christmas traditions in this house; i'd had enough.
i was dragging out the christmas cards, stamps, return address labels, and 2 address books, for cross referencing purposes, when i SNAPPED.
i asked m.o.h. to sit down beside me to at least help to address the envelopes.
how hard can that be?
this would be the first time in our many years of marital bliss that we have shared this life enriching task.
this is what followed.
'oh?' he says, 'what's up with the stamps? you don't have to lick them anymore?'
JUST HOW LONG IS IT SINCE THIS MAN ADDRESSED AN ENVELOPE AND PUT A STAMP ON IT?
can we say in our lifetime together;
NEVER!
to my knowledge your honour, this man has never written, stamped or addressed a christmas or birthday card for nearly 40 years.
'DIVORCE GRANTED"

we began at 6.35 p.m.
i wrote about 15 cards and passed them over for his input.
this was his input.

'where's the pen?'
'what's the last name?' as he rustles thru the address books.
'how are we spelling smith?'
"er like smith'
'well it could be smith with a 'y'."
"well in that case that would be smythe woodentit?" says i between clenched teeth.
"does the postal code go on the line below the county or below the city?"
"why are you sending those people a card? we don't see them anymore.'
"we haven't seen these people since we came to Canada."
"what's my brother's address?"
"shouldn't you send a card to my cousin's daughter?'
'she lives in turkey with a muslim. they don't celebrate christmas.' i explain.
'they like a nice card tho' surely.'
'are we done yet?'
'you've only done 4' i sigh.
'i'm tired and sky sports news is on at 7"
"you have to do some more, i have loads left to do."
'don't send anymore. we'll just not bother this year."
"oh shall we say we forgot when their cards arrive?"
"aye, who cares. waste of time anyway."
"go and watch the sports channel."
"i'm glad i helped you a bit though. that's put a hole in the job eh?'
"go away."

and santa is a man?
i highly doubt that.

19 comments:

Kee said...

Bless him for trying! I am inpressed dhe even sat down long enough to muster up 4 envelopes complete with stamps.
Their is hope for all.....

Busy Bee Suz said...

I never understood that song too, suppose it was way before our time.
If I asked Coach to help w/ cards myself??? haaaaaaaaa.
I know what he would say: "why do you even send cards...you are trying to save the planet and now you are killing trees." Then, I possibly would not send any cards. ever.
Your MOH is funny. I like him. :)

Expat mum said...

You've set fire to that poor snowman's nether regions haven't you?
My hubby always seems to be away (ie. the UK this week) in the run up to Christmas. He reckons all his clients are madly trying to balance their accounts, but I think it's all a big fat lie.

Clippy Mat said...

kee: there is hope for ALL and we know who ALL means right? ;-))

Suz:you can HAVE him. LOL

expatmum: it does look like i burned frosty doesn't it? and yes, it's a big fat lie. he'll turn up for the turkey dinner tho'. LOL

Gina said...

hehehehe that is sooo funny. One time my grandmother (my mother's mother-in-law) said to my mom
" i can never tell who sent the cards, your handwritings look so similar" my mom broke the news that she is the only one who fills out cards, not her lovely son!

Lakeland Jo said...

I am pretty convinced that men behave so badly when they are asked to do something they don't want to do, that they hope and expect us ladies to say 'never mind- go and watch the ....delete where applicable:match, rugby, tennis, racing, darts, snooker, news etc. It seems to work like a charm.
It happens in my house every day.It takes great personal control to make them stick with the task.

Sara said...

the song on the asda advert this christmas is "It's begining to look like Christmas... everywhere we go..." and it was on the tv and I was singing along and telling Martin how I love that song and then logged on to this and saw that title and it was that - how strange eh?! also, wasn't it hapney? not halfpenny?! or is that the same thing?
MOH sounds cute!! I'm sure dad and MOH are the same... and all men to be honest!
Merry Christmas x

Clippy Mat said...

sara: i am in league with asda. they are paying me royalties. go in and tell them a.p. says you can have a halfpenny (pronounced hapenny) off all items. xxx merry christmas pet :-)))

Helen said...

Its obvious that ALL celebrations be they Anniversaries Birthdays Christmas whatever would die out if it were not for the female of the species MOH' conrtribution is to buy the stamps when requested by moi -then later in December Much later to ask what are we giving so&so WE!! don't recall his input at any point during shopping list compilation etc. I even have pick my own prezzie/order it & then tell him what it is he is buying me this year, he does pay for it though. When my Dad was alive he used to slip me some money to get Mam 'something nice' from him! I used to ask her what she wanted, buy it, wrap it, then stick a label on it for him to write out - but at least she got something she wanted & not a pair of oven gloves or a garden trowel. Nuff said!

ChiTown Girl said...

You had me laughing out loud with this one! Men are all cut from the same (LAZY!) cloth, aren't they!?

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Nobody told me Christmas is coming.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

If it were up to men the tradition of Christmas cards would die a very quick death.

Anonymous said...

hahaha! i agree with you kee!
bless him for trying
wor trev is a good man!

haha funny
xxx jenn

Attila The Mom said...

hehehe. It's only been 13 years, but about 5 ago I handed Hubby "his" card list which consists of his family, old college buddies, neighbors, etc.

If he don't do 'em, they don't get sent. ;-)

ExpatKat said...

Ha!Ha! You're just the tonic I need, Clippy!!

Dave Morris said...

I fail to see the problem with any of his questions or comments. ;)

Anonymous said...

Cant you type them into the computer and print out labels. Saves you time once and for all and you can use them next year too. Or jsut send e-cards.

C said...

MEN! ya can't live with 'em... and ya can't live without 'em... maybe if the envelopes and stamps had beer flavored glue to lick, they might enjoy it more...

C

Lily said...

Ah well, we used to take turns writing out the xmas cards, him indoors one year, me the next. Last year it was my turn and, probably because my mum was in hospital after a stroke and I was working all day and visiting every night, they didn't get done. People are still talking to us and have even sent us cards again this year. Sod it, I say, save the planet, say Merry Christmas to those you would see anyway and if you must send cards, only send them to people you really care about that you don't see from one end of the year to the other.