you know what i love?
(well we've established some of the things i DON"T love, as in halloween).
but you know what i DO like?
i like to read the problem page.
it's the first thing i turn to in the newspaper or magazine i'm reading.
i love to see what problems are facing my fellow humans and love to read how the agony aunt says the problem should be resolved.
usually the solution to the problem is something that i would NEVER have even thought of, and is most often completely removed from what i think is realistic or even reasonable advice, but let's make that beside the point i'm making here.
anne landers style, that's what i'm talking about.
i RARELY agreed with annie.
what the hell was she on about half the time?
what was she thinking?
in the uk we used to have marjorie proops.
aunty marje, or dear marje, as she was formally addressed.
she had big gappy teeth, large black hornrimmed glasses over her imposing physog and, at all times, a long cigarette holder clamped firmly between her front teeth.
well here's a picture of her.
doesn't she inspire confidence?
doesn't she look like she knows from whence she speaks?
well make that past tense as in 'from whence she spoke' because marje is dead now bless her big heart.
her problem solving days are over now.
i suppose all of HER problems are over now too come to think of it.
but, could she have had any problems when she knew the downside and pitfalls of all human relationships and the inner workings and weaknesses of all?
that would be silly.
an agony aunt with problems.
then we had claire rayner, i think she's still going strong.
a jolly, no nonsense, former nurse and mother of grown children.
she dispenses advice as an agony aunt, same as marjorie, and their word is, or was, as the case may be, law.
are you picking up what i'm putting down here?
do you see the similarities?
marje? clare? anne landers?
yes, we are all women who like to tell other people what they should or should not be doing with their lives.
don't you love it?
we have even more than that in common.
we are, or in their cases, were, middle aged *busybodies*
(i use the term lovingly) who have children now grown and have been around the block.
and too much time on our hands i hear you ask?
hush, dear reader, this is not the time for your sarcasm.
we have lived long enough to know what's right and what's not and who's right and who's not and whose fault it is and what they need to do to make it better.
(this is the prerogative of the middle aged busybody. we KNOW ALL).
but in the cases of marje, anne, et al, they were actually ASKED for their opinions; much sought after as it were.
(a minor detail we won't dwell on here)
and they were even PAID to dispense said advice.
how exciting is that?
here's where YOU come into the picture.
i'm willing to dispense advice here on my blog for YOU my dear reader and i'm going to do it FREE, with absolutely no strings attached.
(notice how i now call you 'dear reader'. because that's so what marje would have called you.)
i'm thinking of getting a long black cigarette holder too.
not for smoking purposes you understand but it should help me to channel marje and to problem solve. it worked for her.
all you have to do is view my profile, click on my email, email@example.com and send me your problem and when i get a few of them i will solve them and blog about it.
it will be THAT easy.
i think marje would say, 'divine.'
thus i'll be making the world a nicer, and better place in which to live.
and did i say, it's completely FREE of charge?
read the next part in a very fast and deep voice like the ads on tv when they have just told you that you need their medication because you are a) mentally ill, b) fat, c) hairless or d) impotent; or e) all of the above.
"i cannot claim that you will like or agree with my answers or that i am even remotely qualified to dispense advice, or that i will protect your anonymity. heck i can't even spell anonymmity. problems will be carefully (depending on how i feel) analysed and answers will be given(or not) which may or may not closely coincide with reality (maybe) or what you want to hear (!) but keep in mind it's free. only one problem per person. no refunds. oh sorry i forgot it's free. all problems must be addressed to 'dear clippy mat'
does that do for a disclaimer?
okay, what are you waiting for?
i've got my glasses and cigarette holder ready and waiting.