Saturday, October 25, 2008

your problems are solved..... or not as the case may be.

you know what i love?
(well we've established some of the things i DON"T love, as in halloween).
but you know what i DO like?
a lot.
i like to read the problem page.

it's the first thing i turn to in the newspaper or magazine i'm reading.
i love to see what problems are facing my fellow humans and love to read how the agony aunt says the problem should be resolved.
usually the solution to the problem is something that i would NEVER have even thought of, and is most often completely removed from what i think is realistic or even reasonable advice, but let's make that beside the point i'm making here.

anne landers style, that's what i'm talking about.
i RARELY agreed with annie.
what the hell was she on about half the time?
what was she thinking?

in the uk we used to have marjorie proops.
aunty marje, or dear marje, as she was formally addressed.
she had big gappy teeth, large black hornrimmed glasses over her imposing physog and, at all times, a long cigarette holder clamped firmly between her front teeth.
well here's a picture of her.

doesn't she inspire confidence?
doesn't she look like she knows from whence she speaks?
well make that past tense as in 'from whence she spoke' because marje is dead now bless her big heart.
her problem solving days are over now.
i suppose all of HER problems are over now too come to think of it.
but, could she have had any problems when she knew the downside and pitfalls of all human relationships and the inner workings and weaknesses of all?
that would be silly.
an agony aunt with problems.
as if.

then we had claire rayner, i think she's still going strong.
a jolly, no nonsense, former nurse and mother of grown children.
she dispenses advice as an agony aunt, same as marjorie, and their word is, or was, as the case may be, law.

are you picking up what i'm putting down here?
do you see the similarities?
marje? clare? anne landers?

yes, we are all women who like to tell other people what they should or should not be doing with their lives.
don't you love it?
we have even more than that in common.
we are, or in their cases, were, middle aged *busybodies*
(i use the term lovingly) who have children now grown and have been around the block.
and too much time on our hands i hear you ask?
hush, dear reader, this is not the time for your sarcasm.

we have lived long enough to know what's right and what's not and who's right and who's not and whose fault it is and what they need to do to make it better.
(this is the prerogative of the middle aged busybody. we KNOW ALL).
but in the cases of marje, anne, et al, they were actually ASKED for their opinions; much sought after as it were.
(a minor detail we won't dwell on here)
and they were even PAID to dispense said advice.
how exciting is that?

here's where YOU come into the picture.

i'm willing to dispense advice here on my blog for YOU my dear reader and i'm going to do it FREE, with absolutely no strings attached.
(notice how i now call you 'dear reader'. because that's so what marje would have called you.)
i'm thinking of getting a long black cigarette holder too.
not for smoking purposes you understand but it should help me to channel marje and to problem solve. it worked for her.

all you have to do is view my profile, click on my email, and send me your problem and when i get a few of them i will solve them and blog about it.
it will be THAT easy.
i think marje would say, 'divine.'
thus i'll be making the world a nicer, and better place in which to live.
and did i say, it's completely FREE of charge?

read the next part in a very fast and deep voice like the ads on tv when they have just told you that you need their medication because you are a) mentally ill, b) fat, c) hairless or d) impotent; or e) all of the above.

"i cannot claim that you will like or agree with my answers or that i am even remotely qualified to dispense advice, or that i will protect your anonymity. heck i can't even spell anonymmity. problems will be carefully (depending on how i feel) analysed and answers will be given(or not) which may or may not closely coincide with reality (maybe) or what you want to hear (!) but keep in mind it's free. only one problem per person. no refunds. oh sorry i forgot it's free. all problems must be addressed to 'dear clippy mat'

does that do for a disclaimer?
okay, what are you waiting for?
i've got my glasses and cigarette holder ready and waiting.


BusyBeeSuz said...

I love this idea. And you had me laughing through the whole post!!!!
I will send you some will make them anonymous right????
I have a reputation to protect.
Really, I do. :)

Lakeland Jo said...

watch out- problems on the way...

ChiTown Girl said...

Here's one for ya...It's 5:30 in the morning, I just got home from working at the bar, where I spent 13 hours on my feet, and now I'm WIDE awake! What the hell should I do about this? I'm going to be dead on Monday when I have to go back to the babies. Help!

Attila The Mom said...

Oooh. I'm going to have to think up one. I have zillions. LOL Can't wait!

Millennium Housewife said...

I have a problem dog, Husband and children. The best advice really would be to offer to have them all live with you. How about it? I'll put them on a plane tomorrow. MH
ps the dog likes to travel first class, could you send me a cheque? Make it payable to The Millennium Housewife Retirement Fund. For tax purposes, obviously, nothing else I swear.

Gina said...

i adore the title "agony aunt"! i am carefully considering my problems and will have a question fo you shortly :)

Gina said...

suz is a quick one!! hehe

Anonymous said...

you're a funny woman
although i think it's the perfect job for you mom

you give the best advice and you don't judge

love you


Expat mum said...

Hilarious. A question tho' - doesn't it piss you off when people don't take your advice? Especially wehen they have asked for it? It starts with the "Yes, but" and then you realise that there was no point in you even opening your mouth. I can't be bothered to give people advice any more for that very reason.

C said...

i think it's a G-R-E-A-T idea. i will send you my list..... ;)
by the way, thank you so much for adding my blog to your blog roll. you are the first! my blog was justa lil virgin before you came along! teehee i'm blushing....

Clippy Mat said...

bring em on people, i'm waiting, if you haven't already.
suz, jo, gina, atthemom,
i have my cigarette holder clenched firmly between the front teeth waiting for your problems whenever you're ready.

ctg, go for a nice jog around the block.
how's that for my first piece of good advice? of course, you posted that comment several hours ago now but if in doubt what to do in future wakeful hours refer to above. ok?
you're welcome.

one cannot run away from one's problems or have one's problems run away from home dear heart.
(marge would call you dear heart.)
but so nice of you to drop by. i'm following your blog, it's fun.

the joy in giving advice is in the actual 'giving' of it. who cares whether they take it or not?
i just like letting people know that i KNOW what should be done. ;-)

jenn: ah bless your heart. you're so kind. i try not to judge because i've been judged myself... and often found wanting. xx

'c' you are so welcome. i appreciate you coming here too.

Anonymous said...

Marje was known and loved for her no-nonsense and often terse answers. I think you should use your other nickname & become Dear Aunty Ruby... You recently lamented the passing of movie legend Paul Newman but I'm surprised that you have made no subsequent comment on the passing of the legend that was the great Levi Stubbs, late of the Four Tops whose soulful sound was the constant background to our youth & much missed college days. love ya pet.

Clippy Mat said...

ooh anonymous... is it helen or vee? could you just sign your name please so i know who i'm talking to?

i agree on the levi stubbs thing. his passing should be marked but i don't know enough about him to do that here. the four tops were a big, big part of our youth and early life, you are so right. i have to say tho', sad as it is that he has died i didn't know anything at all about the man; except that he was part of that great group. i never thought of them as individuals, i always thought of the four tops as one entity.
i'm sad that he's passed on tho'. but if it doesn't sound like too much of a cliche, his music will always be in our hearts as in me, you and the rest of the f.o.t.h.s and others of our era.

re; the dear aunty ruby thing. hmm, i'm clippy mat on this blog and ruby never rears her ugly head.
perhaps she will make a guest appearance sometime???
maybe you could blog about something sometime. you have so many great things to say, i would love to put them on here.
how about an episode at the gym helen, or on the running track vee?

karengberger said...

Thank you for your kind comment on my blog. I'm a HUGE Anglophile, having studied there in college for a term. Loved the history, countryside, lovely people and culture. Our favorite TV shows are almost all British. I also LOVE Canada (would like to live there someday) and it's one of my favorite places to vacation. I'm looking forward to getting acquainted with your thoughts on your blog.

Anonymous said...

Twas me Clippy,referring to Four Tops etc. & cocking it up as per usual. Have just watched the Temptations on T.V.horrible old dance routine - they waddent tempt me these days!! but the songs took me waay back when - we used to sit n sing along during the lunchbreak to the Tops, Tempts, Supremes, Freda Payne, The Herd, Love Affair & of course The Beatles! Ah me how I miss you all! Helenxx

Gill - That British Woman said...

oh you're just too funny.......I think I could write a novel with all my problems.......