stand by your beds

this week great nanny noo noo arrives.

i am prepared.

this time i will write down her noonoo-isms.

today i was speaking to her twin sister on the phone.

they are 83.

she was complaining about her ingrown toenail.

and the fact that she'd had a lesion removed from the bridge of her nose.

she said she was hobbling about with two black eyes and a big bandage on her nose .

"i look like swasi moso' she said.

once noo noo was telling me about her niece who had been the recipient of a surprise party for her 60th birthday. she said that to keep her away from the house while they prepared the surprise she had been sent to the beauty salon for a 'manicure and pedophile'

which, when you think about it, makes perfect sense really.

then there was the time she was visiting and she'd heard us talking about raccoons and other nocturnal wildlife.

the next morning she moaned she hadn't slept a wink because she lay awake listening for 'the creditors'.

well i might have to explain that one.

she was thinking 'predators'.

because to her everything over the size of an ant is a creature that's out to get her.

at twilight, she once mistook a golf bag on the patio for a grizzly bear....

then there was the time we took her to the movies and we were smuggling in our own treats.

she insisted on getting her money out to help m.o.h. with the price of the tickets.

unfortunately to do so she had to empty all of the smuggled treats in her purse onto the counter.

'could you hold these please miss?' she asked the surprised ticket seller politely as she fished about for change.

oh yes, and not forgetting that when she gets her hair done she just wants a 'cut and a blow job'.

and don't get her started on names.

she thought we were calling jules, "jewels," and she couldn't quite remember that so she called her crystal for a while.

there's a connection there somewhere.

jenn's boyfriend is dean, so naturally she calls him martin.........

her niece's new baby is called paloma. yes really.

noo noo calls her 'pavlova'.

englebert humperdink... inkebert humpredink

the town of Hamilton, Hamlington

and she likes that 'white stuff' in her coffee. we call it 'coffee mate', she calls it 'compound'.

we have three stores that she mixes up;

zehrs, sears and zellers.

they all sound the same when she says them.

it's best to look at the receipt to find out which one she's on about.

the grocery store that has the lowest prices in town and sometimes a very interesting clientele she refers to as 'hanratty's'.

for reasons known only to her.

and one more, (for now), my former neighbour a lovely french-canadian woman named solange was re-named 'so long' or sometimes 'si-lonse' which sounds like you are telling her to shut up. but politely, with a french accent.

thank goodness everything she says makes you fall about laughing and she likes to laugh with you.

it should be a fun visit.