Thursday, February 18, 2010

A love story.

let us draw a veil over the last month and ignore the fact that there have been no posts on this blog other than a youtube video.
which, let's be honest, is not REALLY a blog post is it?
okay, moving right along.

and now,
somebody get their harp out and twang them chords that sound like time passing please.

ahh that's better.

gather round and let me tell you a tale of love and romance that will warm the heart of your cockles.

my co-worker, whose name is betty but whom i shall call hetty for purposes of concealing her true identity and protecting her privacy, is a widow.
of about 5 years standing.
life used to be full and her cup ranneth over.
but now, it's just a bit empty.

today, i realized the true extent of her lonliness as she showed me some old photos of herself on facebook where she was snorkelling or scuba diving ( i confess i don't know if there's a difference).
no matter.
i saw that she misses that life.
things have changed.
she used to have fun and DO things.
it's just different now.

i said, betty  "hetty, you need a man."
she sighed that yes, she did, but what were her chances as opportunities to meet men were somewhat non existent these days.
however, she said, a bit too hopefully, a drunken man HAD chatted her up last weekend at a family bonfire.
i perked up.
do tell.
he looked like a mouse she said.
he had a long narrow face with unpleasant brown skin tones.
(caused by not standing close enough to the mirror during morning ablutions).
he had a long stringy beard which ended in a pointy knotted thing.
not the most endearing image i thought.
(as i pictured Fagin from Oliver Twist.)
but i held out hopes for  a warm pesonality or perhaps a brilliant sense of  humour by way of compensating for his dire lack of physical attributes.

he was drinking a lot and reminiscing in a loud voice about the old days when she was married to her now deceased husband.

'they were the good days eh hetty?' he called out several times.
'good times hetty! eh? eh?'
he would shout across the flames of the fire to her.
'hetty. you're looking good!'
"looking GOOD!"
'hetty, you are hard core eh?'

(apparently this meant that she too appreciated the outdoor life as did he.
standing around a bonfire in midwinter during the late evening hours is definitely hard core in my book.)
one point to him.

'hetty, you're a good looking woman eh? i remember you and joe (hetty's dead husband)
"you had good times eh?'
'eh hetty? GOOD TIMES!" he yelled.
'eh? eh?'
he said 'eh' a lot.
every time he yelled something at her, everyone else in the group would stop talking, shuffle and look at the ground.

he was, in fact, a hideous fella.
no redeeming characteristics at all.
ahh, every woman's dream.
the hope of a desperate widow perhaps?

'do you want me to walk ye back to the house hetty? eh?" he would roar.

then, finally,  after repeating these endearments many times, even though she'd long since stopped nodding by way of acknowledging his comments, and was pretending she coudln't hear or even see him,  he yelled across the bonfire his piece de resistance.

'hetty? whaddya  weigh eh?'


be still my heart.
has ever  a more suave pick up line been uttered?
how she stopped herself from leaping across the great divide into his arms and surrendering herself to such warmth and charm i will never know.

she saw him again a few days later when he stopped by the family business to pick something up.
he looked right through her.
as one stranger to another.

we agreed that she may have to strike further afield in the quest to find companionship and a replacement for her former love.

love is a battlefield.


ChiTown Girl said...

Good Lord in Heaven! I can't believe that neanderthal figured out how to walk upright!!

karen gerstenberger said...

I can hear the music behind that last line.
Perhaps the man was a fisherman? In that world, bigger weight = better.
I'm thinking that Hetty needs to cast her net on the other side. That man is not fit to accompany her to any more bonfires. She deserves better.
(I have to tell you that my word verification here tonight is "peedit." No kidding. Thanks for the smiles)

Steve said...

Love is indeed a battlefield and as such one must be a little callous and avoid the cripples and those driven mad with bloodlust. She needs to find a nice stretcher-bearer. Someone who still has ideals and a will to do good. Oh and someone who can wash properly.

Clippy Mat said...

chi-chi: come to think of it she also mentioned tht he walked with a pronounced stoop,knuckles dragging.

karen: peedit indeed! i think that's what hetty did too when she heard this guy. :-)

steve: a stretcher bearer??
and a clean one to boot. definitely those boxes will be ticked on the requirements list for a new beau. ;-)

Busy Bee Suz said...

He sounds like a charming fella.
How about e-harmony? That would be a better route for her.
I hope Hetty finds true love again...or at least someone to have fun with!!!

Molly Potter said...

A cheery experience to read your funniness again Clipster.

Clippy Mat said...

Suz: eHarmony? now there's a thought. I will get her hooked up on that maybe. That should separate the men from the mice.

Molly: Thanks. I think I've broke me duck. ;-)

Gill - That British Woman said...

I pray and hope I never ever have to go through that...

I hope Hetty finds love with someone who will appreciate her,


C said...

and if she had gone home with the bum, she would SO be regretting it today! he wouldnt even remember her even if he had seen her neked. please tell your friend to stay far away from the drunks... they are good catches or even temporary holds.

if she puts her wishes for someone, out there, someone will be brought to her when she is ready.


C said...

i meant to say they ARENT good catches....



Clippy Mat said...

I agree. I know you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince but this one was just a toad!

C: believe me, there was no danger of her going home or anywhere else with him!
i knew what you meant to say.
I do agree, she should just put her wishes out there and see what happens.
I will tell her that.

Anonymous said...

i hope she finds a nice man who is lonely too, to scuba dive with and have some nice dinners together :)

ah man, it's a sad though to even think about being alone after marrying etc. but a lot of people end up in the situation, we should set up a dating service for all the nice ones, bless them. they all just need a push in the right direction to find love again.

keep your eye out for a nice man for her mom hehe x x jenn

Clippy Mat said...

You are a big softy. you know who "Hetty" is right?
I will keep an eye out for a nice fella for her. I will let you know.

J. Hi said...

Poor Bhetty!! She needs to branch out. lol