Who's on first?

"There are really only three things to learn in skiing: how to put on your skis, how to slide downhill, and how to walk along the hospital corridor."  Lord Mancroft

Lord Mancroft is a very smart man.

the winter olympics have been on for about four weeks now right?
that means only about another three to go i think.
i don't like snow (gasp). i know this is canada.
and i don't like doing anything in it so i am baffled by those who like to suit up and play in it.
they skate, ski, sled, and do all manner of  'fun' things.
(we won't mention curling here because i have no idea what the hell that's supposed to be.)
can sweeping ice really be a sport?
throwing rocks is medal worthy?
and don't have the sound up too loud on the TV while curling is on or the neighbours will think you're watching porn when they shout,
"HUR-RY! HURRY HARD!"
?
i.
don't.
get.
it.

i like my olympics warm.
where the uniforms don't involve multi-coloured latex str-e-tch-ed very tightly over body parts, leaving nothing to the imagination and making me see things i don't really want to.
from unusual angles.

i went skiing once.
well twice actually.
the second time i went was just to confirm that the first time wasn't a fluke.
that it really was as cold, wet, miserable and uncomfortable as i thought it was the first time.
and
it's dangerous!
(see above quote from lord wotsit).

i was just watching the downhill skiers on TV, competing in the slalom, flying out of the gate and knocking over poles at the rate of knots.
and skate boarders racing alongside each other as they defy gravity.
how do they stay upright?
and when they don't.....
is your body really supposed to be able to bounce and twist like that?

i admire the athletes who do these things.
their dedication fills my heart with pride.
their single mindedness.
they give up everything in the quest to win a medal.
to compete.
so i can sit at home in the comfort of my cosy family room.
in my leather recliner,
with a glass of wine,
in front of my great big, flat-screen TV,
(showing just how cold/wet/snowy/miserable it REALLY is - in high def.)
preferably with the fireplace on,
and criticize them when they do something wrong.
if they're not, god forbid, quite fast enough for my liking.
listening to the commentators who say things like;  
'she just returned after two years of rehabilitation for a broken sacrum'
what?
i don't even know if i have a sacrum.
nor do i want to know what's involved in breaking one.
or
"she/he broke 17 bones/both knees/pelvis/dislocated a shoulder last month but they're strapped up and she/he's going to ski/skate/snowboard/ through it."
eh?
is he/she INSANE?

just after he came in from shovelling the driveway for two hours so that he could get a vehicle out and drive to work this afternoon, my other half remarked as he watched the downhill skiers do their stuff,
'that reminds me of you.'
"?"
i was confused
"the skiers?"
"no, the fences." he pointed to the corner of the screen where the athletes whizzed past the barriers.
he had a far away look in his eye.
"it reminds me of  when you said you wanted to try skiing. and you had an hour's lesson first and the instructor told you that by the time the lesson was over you'd be able to ski. but after one hour all you did was get your poles and skis stuck in the fence when you went sideways off the bunny hill with your arse sticking up in the air and you peed yourself with fright."
"oh yeah. thanks. now i remember."
"and all the little kids were laughing at you."
"and then the instructor shook his head and left."
"YES!" i said. "i do remember, thank you."
my body still hurts when i think about it.

p.s. update: I just posted this and went on a 'blog read' and came across this post at expat mum's blog. coincidence? i don't think so. i rest my case.

stay warm people.

:-)