Friday, February 26, 2010

Who's on first?

"There are really only three things to learn in skiing: how to put on your skis, how to slide downhill, and how to walk along the hospital corridor."  Lord Mancroft

Lord Mancroft is a very smart man.

the winter olympics have been on for about four weeks now right?
that means only about another three to go i think.
i don't like snow (gasp). i know this is canada.
and i don't like doing anything in it so i am baffled by those who like to suit up and play in it.
they skate, ski, sled, and do all manner of  'fun' things.
(we won't mention curling here because i have no idea what the hell that's supposed to be.)
can sweeping ice really be a sport?
throwing rocks is medal worthy?
and don't have the sound up too loud on the TV while curling is on or the neighbours will think you're watching porn when they shout,

i like my olympics warm.
where the uniforms don't involve multi-coloured latex str-e-tch-ed very tightly over body parts, leaving nothing to the imagination and making me see things i don't really want to.
from unusual angles.

i went skiing once.
well twice actually.
the second time i went was just to confirm that the first time wasn't a fluke.
that it really was as cold, wet, miserable and uncomfortable as i thought it was the first time.
it's dangerous!
(see above quote from lord wotsit).

i was just watching the downhill skiers on TV, competing in the slalom, flying out of the gate and knocking over poles at the rate of knots.
and skate boarders racing alongside each other as they defy gravity.
how do they stay upright?
and when they don't.....
is your body really supposed to be able to bounce and twist like that?

i admire the athletes who do these things.
their dedication fills my heart with pride.
their single mindedness.
they give up everything in the quest to win a medal.
to compete.
so i can sit at home in the comfort of my cosy family room.
in my leather recliner,
with a glass of wine,
in front of my great big, flat-screen TV,
(showing just how cold/wet/snowy/miserable it REALLY is - in high def.)
preferably with the fireplace on,
and criticize them when they do something wrong.
if they're not, god forbid, quite fast enough for my liking.
listening to the commentators who say things like;  
'she just returned after two years of rehabilitation for a broken sacrum'
i don't even know if i have a sacrum.
nor do i want to know what's involved in breaking one.
"she/he broke 17 bones/both knees/pelvis/dislocated a shoulder last month but they're strapped up and she/he's going to ski/skate/snowboard/ through it."
is he/she INSANE?

just after he came in from shovelling the driveway for two hours so that he could get a vehicle out and drive to work this afternoon, my other half remarked as he watched the downhill skiers do their stuff,
'that reminds me of you.'
i was confused
"the skiers?"
"no, the fences." he pointed to the corner of the screen where the athletes whizzed past the barriers.
he had a far away look in his eye.
"it reminds me of  when you said you wanted to try skiing. and you had an hour's lesson first and the instructor told you that by the time the lesson was over you'd be able to ski. but after one hour all you did was get your poles and skis stuck in the fence when you went sideways off the bunny hill with your arse sticking up in the air and you peed yourself with fright."
"oh yeah. thanks. now i remember."
"and all the little kids were laughing at you."
"and then the instructor shook his head and left."
"YES!" i said. "i do remember, thank you."
my body still hurts when i think about it.

p.s. update: I just posted this and went on a 'blog read' and came across this post at expat mum's blog. coincidence? i don't think so. i rest my case.
stay warm people.


ChiTown Girl said...

I'm with you, Sista!! I don't get it, and I LOVE the snow!!!

C said...

i do lerve the snow, and i do enjoy watching certain sports of the olympics... like skating, snowboarding and the downhill ski ariels because i sit here thinking [and making comments] that it is fucking amazing they can actually do that! but my faves are the summer olympics when diving, swimming and gymnastics can blow me away.
this year though, for skating, had a very sad story of the lil canadian skater joannie rochelle's mom dieing of a heart attack 2 days before she skated. and that was so brave of her to go on anyway. i dont think i could do that. if i loved my mom that is.. heehee.. anywho. she placed bronze and i really felt alot of admiration for her. god bless her heart and family. that had to be hard.

BUT i am ready now for the olypics to be done. i have had my share and it's enough now.

cheerio, pat....



i tried to ski once as a kid, have weak ankles, cant do it...

Busy Bee Suz said...

You are so funny.
I have never been in much snow and I am not a fan of the cold weather.
I can't imagine hurling myself down a hill standing on a toothpick. That would not be pretty. I would be part of a fence...or a tree.

Expat mum said...

You must have photo-shopped that sign?
Anyhoo, thanks for the shout out. I actually love ski-ing, but it doesn't seem to love me or my family does it?

Gina said...

i will never try sking, the thought terrifies me!

Snooty Primadona said...

I admit I adore snow (as long as it's not here where no one knows how to drive in it) and skiing is still a huge part of my life. Frankly, I've had to sedate Mr. Snoots every night & remind him to put his super earplugs in before bed. Why? Because I scream like a Banshee during the Alpine skiing & the speed skating. I guess I'm not very fun to be around during the winter Olympics.

Just so you'll know... Curling is basically like playing shuffleboard with really big pucks, on ice. LOL!

Once the Alpine skiing and speed skating is done, so am I!

However, I'm leaving home during the summer Olympics because he's just as bad as I am...

J. Hi said...

Never break your sacrum. I did it last summer and it sucked. I didn't do it skiing. I did it on my deck out back. Too embarrassing to tell.

I went skiing once--my first and last time.

Steve said...

Skiing is a sport for the insane or those who like to self hurt in elaborate ways. Give me the armchair olympics any day: sometimes I can lift a biscuit and a cup of tea to my mouth at the same time. It ain't easy but I practise lots.

Molly Potter said...

Another enjoyable post misses bubblypot.

I suspect bundles of random chaos and skiing are unlikely to be a good combo.

Gill - That British Woman said...

As I told Expat Mum the other week:

"if God had wanted me to ski, he would have given me bigger feet and wings to fly down a mountain side. As he didn't give me either, I am staying safely indoors!!"

Gill up the road from Clippy's where it is still bloody snowing, and no I'm not going skiing!!

wor vron said...

Love that ski ing story -reminds me of the time we were going on a bike ride and you ended up in next doors garden a over t in the rose bush and the postman had to come and rescue you!!! ha ha xx

the fly in the web said...

It has always puzzled me that anyone would want to descend a mountain on two planks unless forced.

TechnoBabe said...

Nice of your husband to remind of your first ski lesson! Smile. I am with you. All my kids ski but I have not and know I would not like it. They each offered to take me and get an instructor and they were so kind and supportive but I know I would not like it. I am living in snow now and it is a different season and I am learning to appreciate the things about this season. But I am not out in it except to shovel snow or walk from the house to garage!

Hadriana's Treasures said...

My sister has opened a deli shop/cafe in a French ski resort. I'd rather sit in the cafe and drink all their coffee rather than go ski-ing....

Anonymous said...

LOL lol i told this very story of you going into the fence while skiing to aunty anne (john's anne) last night at the meal.

i remember it well, you and leslie were ill laughing.
youve got to laugh!
love u
xx jenn