Tuesday, November 16, 2010

If you can't stand the heat......

i'm not an ungrateful person.
far from it.
and of course there's always a but,
i just wish my other half, wonderful human being that he is,
would stop doing the cooking.
or that he would stop cooking curries.
because they kill me.
they all taste the same.
i.e. they are all mind numbingly H.O.T. and they blow my insides away.
he phoned me on my way home from work to say that i didn't have to cook.
i was delighted.
i've made curry. he sounded chuffed with himself.
oh no.
my heart sank.
what kind of curry? i enquired tentatively.
butter chicken, he replied happily.
i was surprised.
butter chicken suggested mellow colours and pleasant tastes.
creamy sauces with tantalizing spices.
his curries usually don't have a name.
they are just the hottest of any kind of spices that he can find thrown in the pot with chicken, onions, mushrooms and tomatoes.
he loves them.
they are all the same colour and consistency and made with the sole purpose of making him gasp and get hiccups.
that's his idea of success.

i was hopeful.
fool that i am.

until i sat down to eat.

nicked from google images

'eh? eh?' he enquired.
eyes begging for a vote of gratitude and thanks.
'isn't it the best i've made yet?'

'well.... '
i was speechless.

'did you follow a recipe?' i enquired after a few forkfuls as i waited for my tongue to stop swelling.

'Nah.' he scoffed.
unspoken: recipes are for wimps.
'i just threw everything in the pot;' he explained as if he was teaching gordon ramsay the little tricks of the trade. 'chicken, onions, mushrooms and tomatoes and a cup or two of water, lots of spices, stirred and then let it simmer.'
'it's fantastic isn't it?'

he really believes that.
i couldn't respond as i'd have liked because my mouth was on fire and my innards were aflame.
he didn't  notice because he was too busy being so darned pleased with himself.

i have tried to explain that i want to be able to 'taste' the food, savour the flavour.
but he doesn't get it.
if it's not burning your entrails he thinks it's no good.
if i was to get near an open flame and breathe hard i could do a fire eating act.

i wouldn't dream of bursting his bubble tho' so being the loyal wife that i am i ate the lot and didn't say i word.
well, i couldn't have, even if i'd wanted to.
bless him.


Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my gosh....that is horrid.
Really.,. you must teach him a lesson....and soon.
Gordon Ramsay? he is for sisies. :)

karen gerstenberger said...

Could you keep a nice cold dish of plain yogurt handy, to put the fire out (in your mouth, not on your husband)? Or a pitcher of iced tea? Just a thought. The yogurt might even help you with...aftereffects.

ChiTown Girl said...

You, darling, are a good wife. I don't think I would have been able to hold my burning tongue!

C said...

OMG clippy, you MUST stop doing that to your poor innerds... would he tell you if it were the other way around?

i just cannot eat spicy, not even mildly spicy..

i would have to tell him... as i massaged his back for an hour...

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

I wouldn't normally refer back to my own post on someone else's blog but my curry-cooking ability changed dramatically after following a recipe with a proper chef via Twitter. Get your husband to take note!


Ladybird World Mother said...

You are a saint. With a very hot mouth. Just buy lots of yogurt and icecream. xx

Evil Twin's Wife said...

This post makes me thankful my own husband doesn't spend much time in the kitchen - not that he would make it hot, but it probably wouldn't be edible all the same.

Mark said...

Well told.

There used to be curry house in Newcastle that had a well known challenge - if you could eat a full portion of their hottest curry they would give you a free meal

the fly in the web said...

So his cooking takes your breath away....
Sounds like brother in law's Irish stew with chilli sauce which he made while here...it has enhanced the reputation of Australians as hard men in the view of all who ate it...

What about a book of Balti recipes...especially the ones with ground almonds...

Expat mum said...

I think you should suddenly develop acid reflex or something meaning that you have to cut the spicey stuff out.

Clippy Mat said...

Thanks all for comments and positive input. I feel disloyal to my poor other half whose motto is 'first do no harm'. He is so well meaning so I shouldn't discourage him should I, or then where would I be? I might have to actually cook myself. Next time he makes a curry we will do it together. I don't think he'll follow anyone's recipes, too much of a free thinker for that. It might cramp his style.
Plus he takes all of the leftovers of his concoctions to work where his workmate has an asbestos mouth just like his and they love the stuff. Thankfully

Steve said...

I think only us Brits pride ourselves on eating curries so hot the palate combusts at the third mouthful... they're pretty rare in India because, as you say, people prefer to be able to taste the flavours... and you need to still have the coating on our tongue to be able to do that.

Anonymous said...

LOL leave my poor dad alone! bless him for making dinners and i love that he is enjoying it, just drink milk! it helps! lol

xxx jenn

Clippy Mat said...

Steve: It's true, his curries are too hot for even India.:-)

Jenn: Milk? Me? no way. I had ice cream to follow tho'. x

Almost American said...

I remember when DH and I were dating, we made a curry that turned out to be too hot to eat. The cat kept howling for a piece of the chicken - so I gave him some! (I didn't like the cat!) He picked it up in his mouth, spat it out, picked it up, spat it out, picked it up again and ate it - then came back and begged for more! Stupid cat!

Clippy Mat said...

Hey A.American: Our dog hovered around the table hoping for a morsel to fall from a plate. So I thought I'd give her a taste. She sniffed,cringed and then ran away. Must be smarter than YOUR cat LOL.