Thursday, November 3, 2011

Frank's Rebuttal

frank here.
the beta fish, siamese fightin' fish? whatever you wanna call me.
i ain't that fussy to be honest man.
how YOU doin?
okay technically the real name's goldy but man, i just can't bring myself to answer to that.
that aint no kinda name for a fish.
unless you're a goldfish.
which i'm not.
yesterday she wrote a post about me.
i suppose she thought i'd be grateful.
life's been hard enough without this unwanted publicity.
it's going to be like living in a goldfish bowl.

thought i'd give you the gen on living up here on the kitchen table from MY perspective.
seems fair?
first off, i ain't bored.
just so's you know,
i live a full, varied and extremely interesting life i'll have you know.
and i don't need no company thank you very glad.

truth is, before i came here i lived on a shelf in Petsmart for a while.
i lived with a couple of other guys in a 12 by 8 and things got kinda heated after a while,
it's just the nature of the beast man.
think it was about a dame or something, and the one guy, he's all fired up at me with rage, or jealousy, or something,
because all of a sudden, he just comes at me, all fins blazing and stuff and he sorta leaped in the air and before i could even react he'd sorta misjudged his, well his reach,  and well, he missed me and landed right outside the bowl.
we had to watch him heave and pant and thrash around on the shelf for a coupla minutes.
that wasn't pretty.
then this other guy who lived in there with us.
i never really knew him that well i gotta be honest with you.
he was like the 'friend' of the crazy guy.
(that's what they called themselves anyway, 'friends')
live and let live i say, not my business.

so, he was like the friend of the one that jumped over the edge, well all of a sudden he comes at me next in a mad fit of revenge or something.
he's got like his fins up and his eyes are just staring like all popped out man, and he's all like 'da-da da- da DA-DA-DA', you know like the music from that movie, 'sharks'?
yeah, he was even singing that as he came at me.

well i waited till he got in real close,
i was like, bring it brother, you wanna piece o' me?
but i didn't say anything i just leaned back and looked right at him,
not backing down or moving or nothin',
and just when he thought he was going to butt me or whatever he thought he was going to do,
that's when i used the element of surprise.

i'm fast man, he underestimated my speed.
that's a big mistake.
stupid mistake in fact.
i just, BAM! right up in HIS face
and i bit him.
bit his head nearly right off.
hey, it was self defense right.

after that, they brought in a net to scoop him outa there and i just retreated to the rear of the tank, and swum low like, near the bottom.
it was like, respect man, you know?
you gotta respect a dude that just goes all out like that,
even when it doesn't work in his favour,
but hey the guy went for it man.
it was just me for a coupla hours.
then they came and put this female in with me.
she was all like glamorous and all and i admit at first i was like, 'whoa'.
but i guess she'd kinda heard about my rep and stuff, it got around in there,
and she wouldn't have nothin' to do with me.
whatever right?

think she was like a friend or relative of one of them other 2 guys, not sure.
hey, she wasn't even my type anyway.
i wasn't even that bothered to be truthful with ya.

so it was kinda cool in there.
atmosphere wise.
guess she thought i'd make a play for her at some point, but man, i'm just not into the drama you know?
all that aggression and violence, it'd just left me cold, you know?
we hung out in separate shells.
well actually she was in a diving bell and i sort of stayed behind a giant snail.
not a real snail but good camouflage anyway.
we never really did hit it off tho' who knows, if things had've been different?
and then she got her eye on another dude and well she used to just stare at him in his tank all day.

but it got to me, you know?
i'm only human.
okay i'm not human but i'm only ....
actually, what am i?
i don't even know.
but the thing is, i ain't unhappy.
i'm content now.
i got what i want right here.
i got my own place.
a nice bowl man, right here on the kitchen table.
ain't nobody gettin' up in my face or making moves, you know what' i'm sayin?
two squares a day and all found.
and no hassles man.
i got my own bamboo stalk in here, gives off aeration or oxygen or something cool like that,
scientific like and everything.
and i got my own blue stones in the bottom of the pad.
i got a turtle thing that's kinda relaxing to look at.
he aint real but then he don't eat any meat either, you know what i'm sayin'?
i got this huge (fake) fish with a big mouth.
i don't actually do anything with him.
i don't hide out inside him or anything like that, but that's what he's for.
i know that.
i'm just not into that sorta thing.
hiding out's not really my thing.
i'm out there, you know?
i'm a loner really.
it's just the way i am man.
i been around the block, know what i'm sayin'?
i feel like it's just best now if  i'm on my own.
just pay me no never mind y'know what i'm sayin'?
don't pity me okay.
i'm doing good.
it's all good.

you have yourself a nice day now, y' hear?


Steve said...

Put the fish bowl on top of the telly or a stereo and pump up the volume... give your fish a part-ay!

Actually. Scrub that idea. Water and electricity are not a great party mix.

Pam said...

Love the rebuttal! Who knew that Frank was going to be such a character. I do hope we get to hear from him again sometime.

Trish @ Mum's Gone To ... said...

I thought your fish should know he has a friend here at my house. We bought four fish many years ago and they've lasted a long time, only in the last couple of years have they started to float to the surface (!) One of them was called Frankie but I don't know if it's Frankie who is now left on his own. I'd like to think it is.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Clipstress, this is superb, or should I say, in Frank's tones, 'Supoyb!' Laughing at this, so sweet x

karen gerstenberger said...

So cute. Our kids each had a Beta, years ago, and they each had a similar "bowl" to Frank's. Good memories.
Frank sounds a little bit gangsta.

Mark said...

Dada da da - sound just like our house.

Clippy Mat said...

Steve: Yo, dude, that's cold man. I'm telling you about my laid back life now and youre suggesting she put me on top o' the stereo? Bad news man. :-(

Pam: Hey lady. I think we could arrange that, just for you doll.

Trish: Mom? Is that you? It's me Frankie, your boy. I ended up here in Canada.... it's a long story. Remember when you thought I was gone and you flushed me... well there was this sorta vortex thing and.... well never mind. Mom, it's so good to hear from you. How's my brother?

Fhina: Doll, you speaka my lingo. Youse the one that's supoyb. mwah.

Karen: Hey there. Yeah, that's me I'm a bittofa gangsta but it's all good you know. No harm done eh?

Mark: youse got sharks over at your place? Watchout man!

Anonymous said...

lol, you're funny! :) enjoyed that
xxx jenn