Monday, August 27, 2012

I Cook therefore I am. NOT!

I watch the odd cooking show and I confess to being addicted to the train wreck that is Gordon Ramsay on whatever show he is on, which appears to be most of them on US TV at the moment. I watch because I live in hope that one day somebody will give him a taste of his own medicine instead of meekly saying "YES CHEF!" in response to his verbal assaults and temper tantrums.

But the point is, chefs like him (but alas not their students) make it all look so simple.
I'm not that great in the kitchen, but I've had me moments. In 40 years of marriage I've learned a thing or three and two of those things were to get in and get out of the kitchen as fast as possible. Because, let's face it, it's not just the bloody cooking is it? I mean they don't show you the hours of washing pots and pans after it's all done do they? They casually destroy a kitchen in minutes flat, but the fairies must be waiting in the wings for the clean up part, and then you see the finished result which looks mouthwateringly good, not to mention attractively plated and ready to serve. Nobody ever turns the camera on the kitchen sink, walls and floor, fridge and stove aftermath and says, "Now look at THAT bloody mess! It's going to take me FOREVER to clean that sh*t up!"

So I know I'm apt to start imagining things and  I really should think twice when the urge takes me to get in the kitchen and 'create' after watching one of these shows.  "God, that looks SO EASY!" I think. "And as a matter of fact I think I have most of those very ingredients in my fridge and cupboards. I think I'll just go upstairs to the kitchen right NOW and knock that very dish up for my lovely husband."
and I'm quite excited at the thought of all that blending and cutting and mixing and stirring. I can visualize the end result and I just KNOW it's going to be wonderful.

and that's when the trouble starts.
I put a Jamie Oliver video on the Ipad and put it on the kitchen counter next to me as I worked. I was going to make a) Jamie's Fish Pie and b) Jamie's meatballs. Two different meals taken care of for the coming week. Look at me I'm flipping marvelous.

I followed Jamie's steps to a T!
Jamie's fish pie looked fab. My fish pie was absolutely horrendous. How could this be? My other half dutifully ate his way through a plate of the stuff as did I. "Mmmm" he said and smacked his lips as I served it up. By the end we were both silent. I tossed the rest into the compost bin and we've not mentioned it since. Jamie One, Clippy Nil.

Onwards and upwards.
b) Meatballs. Do this! Said Jamie, Yep! Said I.  Do that, he ordered. Yep, I obeyed. Done, done and done.
Serve with pasta. Smelled divine. I channeled my inner Italian Mama for this one. Into the fridge they went to be consumed as meal number two this week.

It may have taken me most of the rest of the day to clean up the resulting mess and destruction -  but it was SURE to be worth it.

OH GOD how is this possible? My other half has just phoned me from work. I sent him with a container of pasta and meatballs for himself and his partner for their evening meal as they are on the late shift.
Panic stricken he asked, "What did you eat for supper?"
Me: "Pasta and meatballs."
Him: "er How was it?"
Me: "Dreadful! I don't think they were right somehow...."
Him: "Gary thinks I'm trying to poison him. They were still pink in the middle."
Me: "Did you both eat them?"
Him: " I ate most of mine. Gary spat his out."
Me: ":Why did you eat yours then?"
Him: "I knew you'd be upset."
Me: "We're going to die."

From now on  I'm going to watch DIY shows only. We have a lot of tools in our shed and I really think I could knock up a nice piece of furniture. It looks quite easy on TV.

Image from here


Steve said...

It's like Father Christmas.

There's an awful lot of little helpers around that you never see.

Clippy Mat said...

Steve: Kitchen Elves.
I need me some of 'em.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh how funny. Well, not for the people who were practically poisoned!
I too wait for someone to take out that Gordon Ramsay....a nervy one he is.
I've yet to prepare a Rachel Ray 30 minute meal in less than ONE hour. Maybe on TV time stands still?
Yep. Still waiting on those clean up fairies....damn it they must be stuck in TV land!!!

the fly in the web said...

Mr. Fly has bright ideas about new recipes I can try....and my best form of defence is to point out that the instructions are incomplete.

The garlic in the list of ingredient disappears in the recipe....there is no further mention of the honey and sesame mention at all of what happens to the two cups of water in which one has to soak the polenta....

I get rushes of blood to the head sometimes after watching a cookery programme but usually recover before investigating the store cupboard.

Pam said...

Oh good lord you make me laugh. :)

Clippy Mat said...

A Rachel Ray 30 minute meal probably involves a 90 minute clean up operation. I wonder if she delivers?

Fly: I get those rushes of blood to the head too, but m.o.h. has made me promise to STOP and THINK before I do owt. :D

Pam: Ah thanks. Wanna come for dinner? :D

The bike shed said...

You're back - it must be nearly November!

Made me laugh

Expat mum said...

Ditto here. I blame it on not doing Domestic Science with Miss Fishwick (or whoever taight it) and not having a clue how to mend dishes as they go wrong. I'm usually okay on the savoury front, but anything I attempt to bake turns out like a hockey puck.
But I did get an "A" in my Scripture O level!

Clippy Mat said...

Hey Mark: I haven't been that far really. Yeah, November. ha ha. :D

Toni: Ooh Sister Mackin was so proud of you I bet. I DID actually study under Miss Fishwick believe it or not. And I was 3rd top in the class,not for my practical skills so much, more for my ability to write out a recipe in a neat hand with an osmiroid pen!

Young at Heart said...

I once married a man who ate my woefully under-cooked aubergine parmigiana....the marriage didn't last!!

Clippy Mat said...

Well if he actually ATE it shouldn't he have been a keeper? LOL
Thanks for coming by and commenting.

alison said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
alison said...

I love this post. I like to cook, but the cleaning up afterwards? Not so much. I laughed at the poisoned meatballs -- I nearly poisoned some American houseguests with spoiled spare ribs once. Fortunately the ribs were tossed before anyone actually tried them.

Clippy Mat said...

Alison: I deleted your duplicate comment in case you're wondering.
Cooking is not for the faint of heart that's for sure, nor for those who would eat what we cook... as you and I both know LOL

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Clipstress, c'est toi! Missed you by the DIY bucketload.

As for la cuisine, I don't profess to be a Gordon, a Jamie, or a Nigella, but I've become a little braver in the kitchen of late - I've given up being scared that it won't be perfect for Lent!


Fhina xxx

Clippy Mat said...

I picture you as very Nigella, and very unafraid. How's your stotty cakes?

Anonymous said...

hahaha i have just laughed out loud reading this post! I can just see you!!! and oh so sweet of Dad to eat the undercooked, poisonous meatballs. That's LOVE! :)
xxxx Jenn

Clippy Mat said...

Jenn: that's true love indeed isn't it? (either that or he's completely henpecked.)