Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Bathroom Blues

you know when you go in a restaurant bathroom which is all tiled and gleaming, with soft lights and piped sweet music and you feel all good about it, then you sit down and see the six inches of crud with bits of DNA in it encrusted around the door frame where it meets the tiled floor?
i HATE that!

you know when you go in a bathroom after someone and they have left a stink which you didn't notice until you got in there. and then you leave and the person who follows you in lets out a groan and everyone looks at YOU while you're washing your hands?
i HATE that!

you know when you go in a bathroom stall and there's a tile with a HIGHLY polished glaze on the floor, so shiny  that when you look down you can see the person in the next stall and what they are doing? and you can't look away? until you realize that they are also looking at YOU?
i HATE that!

you know when you go in a public bathroom and there's one cubicle that becomes vacant after a person who emerges looking hot, sweaty and dishevelled? you know that's exactly when YOUR turn comes around.
i HATE that!

you know when you go in a bathroom stall after someone didn't flush properly and they left a skid mark in the bowl and a piece of suspicious toilet paper stuck to the seat?
i HATE that!

you know when you go in the ladies' room and the lady in the next cubicle pees and then farts accidentally?
i always laugh when that happens.
but i HATE that if i'm the one that did it.

you know when you go to the bathroom in someone's house and they've forgotten to refill the empty toilet roll holder and there doesn't seem to be a cupboard or a place where they would keep another roll?
what are you supposed to do? walk downstairs with your pants around your ankles and say, 'er, excuse me, sorry to interrupt the dinner party but do you happen to have another ....? oh thanks!"
i HATE that!

you know when you go to the bathroom and the person washing their hands next to you doesn't really 'wash' their hands, just flips the tap on and off, sticks them under for a nano-second and then shakes the drips off as they exit?
i HATE that!

you know when you are in a stall and the toilet starts to flush the SECOND before you fully stand up and that means that the toilet paper hasn't actually exited with the rest of the flush so you have to sit back down and stand up quickly two or three times in a row to start the flushing process again and you know that the people outside can see your feet under the door and are wondering why you are bobbing up and down as if you're doing some kind of weird hokey cokey dance ritual?
i HATE that!

you know when you're in a bathroom stall and there's a wide gap between the door and the door frame because it's that new cubicle design and god forbid there should actually be a door that SEALS all the way around and you know that everyone in the line up is looking thru all the gaps in all of the doors to see who's doing what? which is what YOU do when you're in the line up.
i HATE that!

you know when you're in the bathroom stall and you sit down in a hurry and you hadn't noticed that there was something in the bowl until you stand up and inwardly SCREAM, 'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT! I DID NOT PUT THAT IN THERE!" and then you yank on the handle and it just is all limp and won't even respond to your yanking on it so that you have to leave the stall looking at the floor as the next person goes in after you and you try to wash your hands and leave the bathroom before she gets out and scans the people to see which horrible person was in there before her?
I HATE that!

you know when you're in a restaurant where the bathroom is down stairs, along a dark corridor and practically in another postal code and you have to flip lights on as you go, 'is it this door?' "is it that door?" until finally you see it at the end of another hall and the door sqeee--aaa--eeeks open and then B-A-N-G-S behind you as you arrange yourself on the toilet seat  and you think you're alone until you see a shadow on the floor between yours and the next cubicle and  hear a soft breath and you realize that it's really a mad axe murderer whose waiting to climb over the wall to cleave your head in as you sit there without being able to even pee enough to fill a thimble whereas 2 minutes before you needed to go so bad you could taste it?
i HATE that!

what about you?


the fly in the web said...

Your loos seem a great deal more civilised than those in la bellecFrance...

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh my Lord, Clippy, that was funny!! What the hell happened to you this week to get you going on THAT subject!?

Steve said...

This is why I piss in alley ways.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I'm with Steve, Clipstress!

That's why I'm up before the beak later this week!

I love this post - p.s. I'm usually the one who parps, then laughs nervously - Thank the lord you're in Canada and can't hear me!


Fhi x

Gill - That British Woman said...

I so know all about those and am wrinkling my nose when I read them. I HATE using public bathrooms....


Busy Bee Suz said...

Oh my gosh.....I think you have come up with every horrible bathroom situation imaginable. And I have also lived them...and I hated them too! Especially the axe murderer....that is quite yucky!

oh, you gotta get rid of the word verification thingy clippy...makes me turn into an axe murderer too.

Expat mum said...

OMG Clippy - that, and the comments, was hilarious. I htink you missed one though.
If I walk into a cubicle and there's pee splattered on the seat, I turn around and walk right out. I am NOT mopping someone else's pee up with feckin' single ply toilet paper, when we all know that all I've done is wipe it around the seat a bit and transferred it to my hands. I HATE THAT!

Expat mum said...

BTW I have just awarded you the "You MUST Go and Read This" award on my blog. This doesn't get handed out to just anyone you know!

Clippy Mat said...

Fly: Civilised perhaps, but definitely a challenge. :-)

Cheech: I'm on a quest to find a perfect public bathroom experience. I will try ChiTown one of these days.

Steve: ... which is perfectly understandable and even preferable to some other choices.

Fhi: I hope the Beak dealt leniently with you and I'm sure he/she would have sympathy for your plight if they've ever had the need for a pee in public places.

Gill: I didn't even get to mention the one that we share with a few other businesses where I work. That's a whole other post!

Suz: axe murderers are not conducive to a good public washroom experience I have certainly found!
p.s. I don't know why my comments even HAVE a word verification; I removed it long ago I thought, but I have done so at your command er request.

Toni: an award? for me? have I got time to get a new frock? thanks hinny, you are very kind and I'm very flattered.

Elsie Button said...

Hilarious! I hate when I take one of my kids in with me and they give a very loud commentary on what is happening, and why I have this, and why am i doing that etc.

Toes said...

They sound a tad more severe than mere 'blues'!!

You know when you need the loo but all you can find are cubicles with very low doors, or glass doors or no doors at all, or not even walls & theyre never in a suitable toilet type place- always somewhere really exposed and public? This is my reoccuring dream. I HATE that.

I also hate those cubicles on campsites that are big enough for your son to join you but not big enough to stop the swarms of people outside from hearing him insisting that you have a penis & you spend the rest of the holiday knowing everyone else thinks youre really a man in drag.

Congrats on the award too!

PantsWithNames said...

You know when you have to take your toddlers into the cubicle with you and they work out how to open the door and do so when you are still sitting on the toilet with your trousers round your ankles. I HATE that!

Excellent post!

Northern Snippet said...

Hello! Hilarious!Directed here from Expat Mum.A fellow Geordie?
You would NOT believe the things we've had to clean up in our toilet at the pub...

Sandi McBride said...

You know when you try to justify an embarrassing visit to the public loo by saying I'll never see any of these people again and then they all line up behind you at check out...and they are snickering? I HATE THAT!
But I loved this post lol..

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

Oh this is genius! So funny.

The only thing I would add is: you know when you go into a cubicle and there's nowhere to hang your bag, so you have to hold it precariously on your lap and then shove it under your arm while you try and use the loo paper. And this is made worse if you've got a big coat on which you have to hoist under your armpits too. I HATE that!

Clippy Mat said...

Elsie Button: (I like that name). Thanks for visiting here. I know what you mean. There's nowt worse than a running commentary from a little person.

Toes: That's too funny. Kids will get you hung! thanks for visiting and leaving a comment. Much appreciated.

Pants With Names: I'm intrigued by your blogging name so will come to visit, thanks for visiting here. My 'toddlers' have now given me grandchildren and so the legacy of bathroom embarrassment continues. My oldest grandson managed to poop on my white jacket once in a bathroom restaurant when he was toilet training. I had to smuggle us both out the door. (he'll never read this I hope)

Northern Snippet: I am def. coming to visit a fellow Geordie's blog to see if I can learn what kind of nasties you've found in your bogs at the pub.

Sandi: I know! Sometimes I would rather risk an accident than have to visit a public loo, because rarely do these experiences end well. thanks for the visit.

Trish: I hear you. I had to hold my handbag's handle in my teeth once rather than risk putting it on the floor and the strap wasn't long enough to dangle around me neck, and I've also had to .... well we won't go there. Some things are best left unsaid.


EmmaK said...

ha ha I don't really care about messy loos but I'm a bit terrified of Portaloos I'm always scared I'll drop my purse into their smelly excesses and I'll have to fish them out!

vegemitevix said...

I've got one to add - you know when you're camping and you're in a hot foreign country and it's all dark and scary and you go out to the loo, which is actually a long-drop, in the dark and you open the door and you're just about to sit down when you look into the abysss and see EYEs staring back at you? I HATE that!

Excellent post, made me smile on a crap day and that is worth its weight in gold. (here from Expat Mum's) Vix

Clippy Mat said...

Emma K:
Portaloos! The Absolute Worst thing in the world and I forgot to include them but then again I detest them so much I would pee myself before I would use one.
thanks for coming to visit and I am en route to your blog as we speak.

In a word, NO! I would rather be poked in the eye with a sharp stick than have to venture out into the wilds at night and do my thing in a place where EYES might be staring back at me. That would make me constipated for LIFE!
In fact it's making me constipated just thinking about it.
Thanks for coming via EPMum. I'm glad you were cheered up and I'm coming to visit your blog now.

Pam said...

Brilliant post Clippy! I agreed with all you points wholeheartedly. My pet hate is the person on their mobile in the next cubicle. I hope that the person they are talking to can't hear me wee (or worse!)

Clippy Mat said...

Pam: I know! and that phone must be pretty germ ridden after it comes outta there too. yeuch. :D

C said...

OMG i was laughin out loud, i tell you! i have experienced eaach one of these both as the do-er and the doo-ee.
i just lerve ya sense of humor!!!
BTW thanks for your support, it has helped me tremendously, and you have been SO sweet... you are a dearie...


Stephanie said...

Bwhahah Yes, I hate all of that. You know what else I hate. When the toilets are unnaturally high at the mall and my dear daughters can not hover as they have been taught! Shiver.

alison said...

I laughed so hard that now I need to visit the bathroom. Good thing I'm at home.

ChiTown Girl said...

Where, oh where has my Clippy gone?
Where, oh where can she be?!
With her laugh so quick and her wit so sharp,
Where, oh where can she be!?