The Bathroom Blues

you know when you go in a restaurant bathroom which is all tiled and gleaming, with soft lights and piped sweet music and you feel all good about it, then you sit down and see the six inches of crud with bits of DNA in it encrusted around the door frame where it meets the tiled floor?
i HATE that!

you know when you go in a bathroom after someone and they have left a stink which you didn't notice until you got in there. and then you leave and the person who follows you in lets out a groan and everyone looks at YOU while you're washing your hands?
i HATE that!

you know when you go in a bathroom stall and there's a tile with a HIGHLY polished glaze on the floor, so shiny  that when you look down you can see the person in the next stall and what they are doing? and you can't look away? until you realize that they are also looking at YOU?
i HATE that!

you know when you go in a public bathroom and there's one cubicle that becomes vacant after a person who emerges looking hot, sweaty and dishevelled? you know that's exactly when YOUR turn comes around.
i HATE that!

you know when you go in a bathroom stall after someone didn't flush properly and they left a skid mark in the bowl and a piece of suspicious toilet paper stuck to the seat?
i HATE that!

you know when you go in the ladies' room and the lady in the next cubicle pees and then farts accidentally?
i always laugh when that happens.
but i HATE that if i'm the one that did it.

you know when you go to the bathroom in someone's house and they've forgotten to refill the empty toilet roll holder and there doesn't seem to be a cupboard or a place where they would keep another roll?
what are you supposed to do? walk downstairs with your pants around your ankles and say, 'er, excuse me, sorry to interrupt the dinner party but do you happen to have another ....? oh thanks!"
i HATE that!

you know when you go to the bathroom and the person washing their hands next to you doesn't really 'wash' their hands, just flips the tap on and off, sticks them under for a nano-second and then shakes the drips off as they exit?
i HATE that!

you know when you are in a stall and the toilet starts to flush the SECOND before you fully stand up and that means that the toilet paper hasn't actually exited with the rest of the flush so you have to sit back down and stand up quickly two or three times in a row to start the flushing process again and you know that the people outside can see your feet under the door and are wondering why you are bobbing up and down as if you're doing some kind of weird hokey cokey dance ritual?
i HATE that!

you know when you're in a bathroom stall and there's a wide gap between the door and the door frame because it's that new cubicle design and god forbid there should actually be a door that SEALS all the way around and you know that everyone in the line up is looking thru all the gaps in all of the doors to see who's doing what? which is what YOU do when you're in the line up.
i HATE that!

you know when you're in the bathroom stall and you sit down in a hurry and you hadn't noticed that there was something in the bowl until you stand up and inwardly SCREAM, 'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT! I DID NOT PUT THAT IN THERE!" and then you yank on the handle and it just is all limp and won't even respond to your yanking on it so that you have to leave the stall looking at the floor as the next person goes in after you and you try to wash your hands and leave the bathroom before she gets out and scans the people to see which horrible person was in there before her?
I HATE that!

you know when you're in a restaurant where the bathroom is down stairs, along a dark corridor and practically in another postal code and you have to flip lights on as you go, 'is it this door?' "is it that door?" until finally you see it at the end of another hall and the door sqeee--aaa--eeeks open and then B-A-N-G-S behind you as you arrange yourself on the toilet seat  and you think you're alone until you see a shadow on the floor between yours and the next cubicle and  hear a soft breath and you realize that it's really a mad axe murderer whose waiting to climb over the wall to cleave your head in as you sit there without being able to even pee enough to fill a thimble whereas 2 minutes before you needed to go so bad you could taste it?
i HATE that!

what about you?