Wednesday, July 15, 2009

things that go bump in the night

m.o.h. works 2 weeks of midnight shift every four weeks.
he's gone ALL night, leaving moi as home aloned as Macauley Culkin.

before he leaves i have him check all of the doors and windows, bolt the backyard gate, pull up the drawbridge and fill the moat with piranhas.
well almost.

just before i say goodnight and carefully lock the door behind him, i make sure to say in a loud, somewhat cheery voice, feigning bravado, whilst looking out onto a dark, eerily quiet street "oh and get some milk too."

?? you ask.

this of course is a tactic for the benefit of would be axe murderers and thieves lying in wait in the gloom of the bushes to kidnap, rob and/or murder me the minute m.o.h's back is turned.

i throw out this casual comment so lurking criminals will move on to the next house and leave me in peace, because obviously m.o.h.'s coming back any minute; just popped to the shop for a bag of milk is all.

then when i go to bed i take a telephone with me, for calling 911 of course.
and my cell phone comes too, so must make sure that's fully charged - in case an intruder should enter and cut the phone cord just like they do in the movies.
(i don't even watch these movies i'm so scared but i still know the plots)

i have a flashlight in the top drawer at my bedside in case of power cuts or an evil doer who decides to cut the power so he can do away with me.
(i don't quite know how he will murder me in the dark unless he asks me to hold my flashlight for him, but perhaps he could be wearing one of those headlight things? who knows how the criminal mind works?)

i take the keys to whichever vehicle m.o.h. is not travelling to work in, and on the nights when he car pools, i take both sets of keys.
these go under my pillow.
IF an intruder should be heard to be entering the hallowed halls of clippymat towers, once he's scaled the walls and the drawbridge and man-eating fish filled moat that is, then i will activate both key fobs which have those annoying panic button things on them.
thus alerting the neighbourhood to my plight. whereupon they will come at once and loudly to my rescue bearing flaming torches and even pitchforks (?) as they catch the murdering/looting/thieving bastard red handed before he defiles me and makes off with the family jewels!
(i may have unknowningly absorbed the odd horror movie plot. details of which are now half recalled in my befuddled and anxious state)

i know the key fob alarms work because sometimes i fumble sleepily under the pillow to make sure they are still there and accidentally activate them causing me to scream and jump out of my skin for a second before i regain presence of mind and silence them.
this has happened a couple of times, maybe around 3 a.m.

true that it might annoy the neighbours, i can see that, but it could just as easily deter that burglar/intruder/mad axe man who is now on his way back from looting and pillaging further down the street and has noticed that m.o.h. has not yet returned with the milk.

but NOW
things have changed somewhat.
i rest much easier in my bedchamber.
last night i burrowed beneath the blankets and slept like a baby.
still took the phones, keys etc of course but
now i have my bodyguard.
Bella the barker.
she barks on approach of strangers.
if she doesn't scare them off she'll annoy the hell out of them and they will most likely run off down the street hands over ears, begging for someone to 'make it stop!'
it's that earsplittingly annoying when she starts. the little sweetheart.
this little poodle is more reassuring to me than a rottweiler-pit bull who hasn't smelled meat for a fortnight.

bless her cotton socks.
all five pounds of her.

isn't she scary?


Crazy Mo said...

I don't mind staying home alone. In fact, The Husband works the midnight shift every other week. No biggie. But I do the same thing you do and when I enter the house, I call out as though he's home. It's really for Puppy's sake, but in case anyone is listening, they at least think someone else is there. And when I take Puppy for his evening walk, I call out as I'm closing the door, "Back in about 15 minutes!"

So far, so good.

Kee said...

Had no idea you were such a scaredy cat. Glad you have Bella to prtect you. I am now tempted to sneak over in the middle of the night and rap at your window-watch you fumble with the key fobs, flash the flashlight and yell to bella to attack!

Jane said...

I have an attack cat for just such events. He really is scary. Hubby travels a lot, so it's quite nice to know my vicious feline is on guard.
BTW - thanks for visiting my blog. You knew me as ExpatKat in a previous life ;-)

Gill - That British Woman said...

that is so funny, although I will say I can totally relate, as dh worked shifts also, and I so hated midnight shift.

Love your guard dog, those would be axe murderers, better be aware!!!


Busy Bee Suz said...

Well, Bella has her job then doesn't she???? So cute.
I also do most of what you do when the husband is I keep a sharp fillet knife under the mattress on my side. all. the. time.
I am just daring someone...I dare ya!

Clippy Mat said...

add to 'back in 15 mins" you might want to add, 'and when you've finished cleaning the guns, you can sharpen the knives and count the ammo.' that oughta do it.

I wouldn't put it past you to try it. What kind of a daughter in law would do such a terrible thing? ;-)

sorry, I didn't recognize your blog. i felt like it was familiar tho' and wondered if i'd been by before. ;-)

i'm sure she will annoy any intruder who will think twice before trying to comit a crime over that racket! :-)

tell me you're joking! I would be terrified to keep a weapon to hand; they'd probably wrestle it from my grasp and nail ME with it.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

You sound like the Evil Twin. If he leaves work before any of the rest of us are up, he locks us in. He insists that all the outside lights be on, etc. Thing is, we live at the top of a very steep driveway. We don't even get solicitors or trick or treaters. I doubt anyone would bother to rob/murder us when there are much easier pickin's down the street! LOL.

Clippy Mat said...

ETW: built in crime deterrent, sounds like my kinda house. ET sounds like my kinda man too if you don't mind me saying so lOL

Steve said...

Dogs - whatever their size and build - will always deter would-be murderers and burglars. It's the insane psychos who carry around raw steaks and werewolves you have to worry about now.

C said...

oh woman you just crack me up. i have a plan, too. when the boogie man comes to have his way with me i yell out honey, grab your gun... then i tell him "i have aids and herpes" whilst i fart and pee on him. i figure if that dont work then my bella will chew his ass up before he even gets close enough to start sumpin...
that's plan "A".

plan "B" goes like this....

i pull out my magnum from under my pillow and shoot the bastard dead.

Clippy Mat said...

what? now I have to plan for psychos with steak and werewolves too? maybe i will just cut down the bushes so they have nowhere to lie in wait ;-)

you and Suz have a lot in common with your lethal weapons under the pillow. I hope neither of you sleepwalk.... LOL

Pam said...

As long as she sounds like a rabid pitbull who's to know she's really a fluff-ball? I check under the bed too. Drives my hubby wild. He'll laugh on the other side of his face when I find burglar under there

karengberger said...

I'm quaking in my flip-flops.
Glad you are feeling safer now!

KayDee said...

I'm laughing my head off here. I live on a two acre property which is somewhat isolated. My husband works away for two weeks at a time, leaving just me and our 15 year old twins plus two 6 pound dogs. I don't know why but I never feel scared....but now I'm thinking maybe I should :)

Snooty Primadona said...

I'm pretty much okay when the hubby is gone, which isn't very often. But, you can't beat a good *barker*. The piercing of ear drums alone, should be a sufficient deterrant...

Expat mum said...

Ah - how sweet. We went for the Brinks option instead!

MikeH said...

Bella looks like she's up to the job; sleep well.

J. Hi said...

She's terrifying. LOL You always make me giggle.

Kim said...

Wow..............puts my blog to shame well Done Mrs, I will read more later

Jenn said...

'i have a flashlight in the top drawer at my bedside in case of power cuts or an evil doer who decides to cut the power so he can do away with me.' i also have one in my top drawer, and think all of these things when i am home alone, and am only ok as of now bc im in a building and feel that when im locked up its harder for burglars/murderers to climb to the 3rd story! so sometimes (GASP) - i even go to sleep with the window OPEN. shock horror!
i'm brave.

you're too funny and Bella is so cute and very good at barking!