things that go bump in the night

m.o.h. works 2 weeks of midnight shift every four weeks.
he's gone ALL night, leaving moi as home aloned as Macauley Culkin.

before he leaves i have him check all of the doors and windows, bolt the backyard gate, pull up the drawbridge and fill the moat with piranhas.
well almost.

just before i say goodnight and carefully lock the door behind him, i make sure to say in a loud, somewhat cheery voice, feigning bravado, whilst looking out onto a dark, eerily quiet street "oh and get some milk too."

?? you ask.

this of course is a tactic for the benefit of would be axe murderers and thieves lying in wait in the gloom of the bushes to kidnap, rob and/or murder me the minute m.o.h's back is turned.



i throw out this casual comment so lurking criminals will move on to the next house and leave me in peace, because obviously m.o.h.'s coming back any minute; just popped to the shop for a bag of milk is all.

then when i go to bed i take a telephone with me, for calling 911 of course.
and my cell phone comes too, so must make sure that's fully charged - in case an intruder should enter and cut the phone cord just like they do in the movies.
(i don't even watch these movies i'm so scared but i still know the plots)

i have a flashlight in the top drawer at my bedside in case of power cuts or an evil doer who decides to cut the power so he can do away with me.
(i don't quite know how he will murder me in the dark unless he asks me to hold my flashlight for him, but perhaps he could be wearing one of those headlight things? who knows how the criminal mind works?)

i take the keys to whichever vehicle m.o.h. is not travelling to work in, and on the nights when he car pools, i take both sets of keys.
these go under my pillow.
IF an intruder should be heard to be entering the hallowed halls of clippymat towers, once he's scaled the walls and the drawbridge and man-eating fish filled moat that is, then i will activate both key fobs which have those annoying panic button things on them.
thus alerting the neighbourhood to my plight. whereupon they will come at once and loudly to my rescue bearing flaming torches and even pitchforks (?) as they catch the murdering/looting/thieving bastard red handed before he defiles me and makes off with the family jewels!
(i may have unknowningly absorbed the odd horror movie plot. details of which are now half recalled in my befuddled and anxious state)

i know the key fob alarms work because sometimes i fumble sleepily under the pillow to make sure they are still there and accidentally activate them causing me to scream and jump out of my skin for a second before i regain presence of mind and silence them.
this has happened a couple of times, maybe around 3 a.m.

true that it might annoy the neighbours, i can see that, but it could just as easily deter that burglar/intruder/mad axe man who is now on his way back from looting and pillaging further down the street and has noticed that m.o.h. has not yet returned with the milk.

but NOW
things have changed somewhat.
i rest much easier in my bedchamber.
last night i burrowed beneath the blankets and slept like a baby.
still took the phones, keys etc of course but
now i have my bodyguard.
Bella the barker.
she barks on approach of strangers.
if she doesn't scare them off she'll annoy the hell out of them and they will most likely run off down the street hands over ears, begging for someone to 'make it stop!'
it's that earsplittingly annoying when she starts. the little sweetheart.
this little poodle is more reassuring to me than a rottweiler-pit bull who hasn't smelled meat for a fortnight.

bless her cotton socks.
all five pounds of her.

isn't she scary?