Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Emperor's New Clothes

calling Stacey and Clinton

or maybe
Trinny and Susannah

i need a new dress.
but not just ANY dress.
what i need, dear friends, is a magic dress.
i'm going to a wedding.
sooner than i thought.
and i really meant to lose weight.
i thought about it an awful lot.
well you know how it is.
don't you?

what i need is;
a dress that will instantly slim me and make me look ten years younger.

it should be made of a non clingy, yet sensuous and flattering fabric that doesn't ride, wrinkle or seat.
which fits where it touches and accentuates the positive and minimizes the er, less than positive.

which makes people say, 'wow, clippy's looking good these days." without even realizing it's the dress that's doing it.

which says size 16 on the label but makes me look, and feel, like a size 10.
oh OK 12 then.
i AM willing to compromise.

it should be of a hue which flatters my skin tones
whilst enhancing only my finer points. which are...
oh well, never mind.

this dress should be one of a kind,
one that most people would die to have but will never own.
(so far this list of 'must haves' are making sure that it's pretty well exclusive, i know.)

it should look fab on me but, and most of all, it should not cost a great deal.
having said that,
if i COULD find a dress that fits all or most of the above, then i might just be tempted to sell my first born to pay for it.
(i'm sure he would understand.)
after all i do need to look good on the day.
as opposed to looking like a middle aged woman who needs to lose a lot of weight and is wearing a dress which makes her look like a sack of tatties, tied in the middle.

oh sorry,
was i shouting?

please, don't mind me.
it's just that i've been looking for a while now and every dress that i've seen is tiny, short, sleeveless, backless and clingy.
and made for kate moss's little sister.

oops sorry, shouting again.

but really.
is a short sleeve too much to ask?
something that hides the bingo wings.
with a waistline that doesn't define the last carb binge i went on.
is a hemline that comes just at mid-calf, thus concealing cellulite and fat knees, TOO MUCH TO ASK?

isn't it time my fairy godmother showed up with her magic wand?
right about now.

oh pass the gravy.

and if the dress doesn't turn up well then let's hope the event turns out something like this one, which i just lifted from smileygirl's blog. if so, no-one will care what ANYONE is wearing. i love it.


Kee said...

It can be found. It will be found. I will help....not to worry.

wor vron said...

well done Kee positive attitude -you never look like a sack of tatties sis -you're gorgeous!!!! But......... if you do happen to find THAT dress let me know cos I have a wedding to go to soon too!! xx

Steve said...

I believe this is the labour that even Hercules baulked at.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I want one TOO!!! I understand exactly where you are coming from...this is very frustrating when you have things to hide and the dresses are made for things to be in the open. Good luck. Have you tried 'spankx', they do help with the mid section. Can't help our arms though..or knees.

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, Lord, Clippy! Let me know how this works out, because I'm in desperate need of a new school wardrobe! Good luck!

Sara said...

oh Clippy is the Queen of Spankx - haha! I've told you this before A.P, but I've always thought you dress so well and always look very streamline!

how about this? No?

Seriously, though, wear something simple (black or navy is always the safe bet and can look very classic at a wedding! ) and then wear some statement jewelery and get a good haircut?!

Or how about a good trouser suit? Its not always about the dresses!

Good luck


Kee said...

Oh Sara..she can't possibly wear that dress as I already have it to wear to said wedding but mine is in hot pink....we would look too much alike!
Whatever she does wear she will look GAWGEUOS!!!!!

Kim said...

thats really awesome, what a different wedding entrance, I bet some of the "wrinkleys" wondered what the heck was happening ha ha ha

Ladybird World Mother said...

!! Oh you have made me giggle... BUT my mate's friends's mother's blah blah blah had a friend who went to a lady who did a styling test thingymegig... and made her size 22 look unbelievably slim and gorgeous...
problem 1 - dont know the name of such a type of person
problem 2 - don't know if it would work for anyone other from Size 22 lady...
BUT wouldnt it be great if it did!! Ok, useless comment, but surrounded by children and can't think straight. Hope you find fab dress. XX

Kee said...

HAHAHAHA...I just watched the video. Can u imagine how fun their reception must have been if they had that much fun walking down the aisle? That is too cute!

J. Hi said...

Get something low cut--everyone will be so busy looking at your cleavage they won't look at the other parts. ;)

That video made me smile. Such joy!

Gill - That British Woman said...

that dress is there and you WILL find it.

That is such a unique way of starting a wedding. I am passing this clip on to a couple of people.


Lakeland Jo said...

if you find such a dress call me

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Keep looking! I know you will find something.

I saw that video earlier. Too funny!

clinka said...

call them "angel wings" dahling... "angel wings".

Jenn said...

hahaha that video was brilliant! i have no volume but watched the full 5 mins silent and played music in my head. i would love to have a wedding like that, it's got to be fun for everyone!

i hear you on the dress, i did that last week for the wedding i went to and it wasnt fun. i couldnt zip anything around my boobs and after trying on 8 or so dresses i found the one, the colour and shape. yours is out there. unfortunately there arent more dresses that fit ppl with curves but i prevailed and so will you! get your hair did and make up and you'll feel a lot better in whatever you wear.

you're gorgeous so youd look good in owt!

love you

daughter xxx

Jenn said...

hahhaha to saras dress she posted, u should totally get that mom. !!!!!!!!!!!! god, im 23 and you could not PAY me to wear something like that lol, the thought terrifies me!

Iota said...

That video was superb. The only slightly off-putting thing was that as each bridesmaid got near the camera, it seemed to focus on her bust...

Clippy Mat said...

great comments everyone. thanks. i LOVE feedback. and glad everyone loved the video too. the search continues, but if/when I do find something then I will let you know. appreciate the encouragement too. and LOL re the spanx. yep, i'm the queen of spanx me, as sara says. and if i could squeeze THIS into that tiny dress sara believe me, i would :-)

Hadriana's Treasures said...

CM, thank you, thank you for your great comments over at mine. Am feeling much better now. Sometimes we just need a whinge and a moan to get things out of our systems....

I got a Hobbs dress for my sister's wedding last year...and the dress (Empire line) was very generous (it needed to be!)

They have a sale on at the moment:
Good luck! Hx

Pam said...

Oh, if only you could get to a Debenhams. Seems like they have a great selection.
What is it with all tops these days that have cap sleeves or none at all? Most women I know have bingo wings - we can't all look like Michelle Obama!

Pam said...

Forgot to say, I loved the video!!

Stephanie Faris said...

Black. Black is always slimming. Oh, and I wore a girdle to my 10-year reunion. I couldn't breathe but it slimmed me down.

C said...

awwww clippy, you WILL find just the right dress, you'll see. pretend you are looking for the perfect hand bag... and then voila out of no where that new perfect dress will be right there staring ya in the face... it never fails...

well, theres always a first time i guess.
but NO it shant be you.
besides, you are a cutie patootie pie.... whatever you where will make you look beautiful.
really, it will be found!